Children or no Children?

[wideopenspaces]

hightower wrote:

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

Hightower – congrats on expecting your first child. It will be a life changing experience.

Your advice of “The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life. Not the other way around” could only have been written by someone without kids.

I would like an update in November about how your accessory is fitting in to your pre-kid routine.

My advice to you is spend the next 4 months traveling, taking naps, going out to eat and going to the movie theater to see anything that looks remotely interesting. Take pictures so you will have something to reflect on during your 37th consecutive 2 am feeding.

Kids are great, but expect it to change every aspect of your life.

Click to expand…

I totally get that life will change and I completely understand that this is me talking before kids so obviously I don’t have the experience to back this up. But, over the last 3-4 yrs all of our friends have had their first kids and we’ve watched the way they behave with them very closely. In all cases we feel like they let the kid dominate them way too much.  It’s like they chose to give up on themselves using the kid as an excuse.

It just seems like they are making themselves more miserable than they need to.  If you like to do certain things now and want to keep doing them, don’t let the kid stop you.  Find a way to make it work. WCI takes his kids backpacking, even the infant.  Surely if he can do that there’s no reason the OP can’t find a way to swim with her kid if she likes to do that every day.  Alligators are overrated anyway, lol.

 

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I think to some extent having a kid can be really overwhelming so some people fall off the radar because they are just trying to survive the sleep deprivation. Some babies are just harder than others and you think, ilI' just tote this kid along on whatever adventure I want- but then you realize you have an 18 month old that won't actually let you sleep unless you're at home with them in the crib- and taking any kind of trip suddenly starts to seem way less appealing. We had our first kid in our mid twenties and he didn't really slow us down. We just let him sleep in a pack n play when we went to friends houses to hang out. Our second came along 8 years later and we were more tired so we don't do that as much. But we still make a good effort to maintain good relationships with our friends.

 

Every kid is different and you have relatively little control on how these little personalities come out! I'm sure that even if your kid slows you down more than you expected the first few years, you will still be happy and you will adapt to those needs and changes. Congrats!

[hightower]

wideopenspaces wrote:

hightower wrote:

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

Hightower – congrats on expecting your first child. It will be a life changing experience.

Your advice of “The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life. Not the other way around” could only have been written by someone without kids.

I would like an update in November about how your accessory is fitting in to your pre-kid routine.

My advice to you is spend the next 4 months traveling, taking naps, going out to eat and going to the movie theater to see anything that looks remotely interesting. Take pictures so you will have something to reflect on during your 37th consecutive 2 am feeding.

Kids are great, but expect it to change every aspect of your life.

Click to expand…

I totally get that life will change and I completely understand that this is me talking before kids so obviously I don’t have the experience to back this up. But, over the last 3-4 yrs all of our friends have had their first kids and we’ve watched the way they behave with them very closely. In all cases we feel like they let the kid dominate them way too much.  It’s like they chose to give up on themselves using the kid as an excuse.

It just seems like they are making themselves more miserable than they need to.  If you like to do certain things now and want to keep doing them, don’t let the kid stop you.  Find a way to make it work. WCI takes his kids backpacking, even the infant.  Surely if he can do that there’s no reason the OP can’t find a way to swim with her kid if she likes to do that every day.  Alligators are overrated anyway, lol.

 

Click to expand…

I think to some extent having a kid can be really overwhelming so some people fall off the radar because they are just trying to survive the sleep deprivation. Some babies are just harder than others and you think, ilI’ just tote this kid along on whatever adventure I want- but then you realize you have an 18 month old that won’t actually let you sleep unless you’re at home with them in the crib- and taking any kind of trip suddenly starts to seem way less appealing. We had our first kid in our mid twenties and he didn’t really slow us down. We just let him sleep in a pack n play when we went to friends houses to hang out. Our second came along 8 years later and we were more tired so we don’t do that as much. But we still make a good effort to maintain good relationships with our friends.

 

Every kid is different and you have relatively little control on how these little personalities come out! I’m sure that even if your kid slows you down more than you expected the first few years, you will still be happy and you will adapt to those needs and changes. Congrats!

Click to expand...

Thanks and yes I think you're right on that.  My best friend has a 3 year old and a 6 month old.  The 3 year old was kind of a difficult baby on many levels.  His new baby has been a dream. Never fusses, sleeps easily and all night, etc, etc.  Luck of the draw I guess, lol.

I am probably in for it though.  Karma is gonna kick my butt.  I gave my parents ************************, so the universe is going to want to punish me for it I'm sure.  Ha ha

[Side Hustle Scrubs]

With kids you can pay now or pay later. You could have a colicky hellspawn of a baby that turns into a dream kid (my daughter). You could have a laid back baby that turns into a tornado of a toddler (my sons).

Just keep reminding yourself that everything is a phase and will pass. Embrace the chaos.

[Miss Bonnie MD]

hightower wrote:

Thanks and yes I think you’re right on that.  My best friend has a 3 year old and a 6 month old.  The 3 year old was kind of a difficult baby on many levels.  His new baby has been a dream. Never fusses, sleeps easily and all night, etc, etc.  Luck of the draw I guess, lol.

I am probably in for it though.  Karma is gonna kick my butt.  I gave my parents ************************, so the universe is going to want to punish me for it I’m sure.  Ha ha

Click to expand...

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

With kids you can pay now or pay later. You could have a colicky hellspawn of a baby that turns into a dream kid (my daughter). You could have a laid back baby that turns into a tornado of a toddler (my sons).

Just keep reminding yourself that everything is a phase and will pass. Embrace the chaos.

Click to expand...

Fingers crossed. My 7 month old is a DREAM. Started sleeping nights at 6 weeks (10pm-5ish, now sleeps 8-8). Chill AF. Hope he doesn't become a monster as a toddler....

[Side Hustle Scrubs]

Uh oh.....

[jessikaur]

hightower wrote:

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

Hightower – congrats on expecting your first child. It will be a life changing experience.

Your advice of “The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life. Not the other way around” could only have been written by someone without kids.

I would like an update in November about how your accessory is fitting in to your pre-kid routine.

My advice to you is spend the next 4 months traveling, taking naps, going out to eat and going to the movie theater to see anything that looks remotely interesting. Take pictures so you will have something to reflect on during your 37th consecutive 2 am feeding.

Kids are great, but expect it to change every aspect of your life.

Click to expand…

I totally get that life will change and I completely understand that this is me talking before kids so obviously I don’t have the experience to back this up. But, over the last 3-4 yrs all of our friends have had their first kids and we’ve watched the way they behave with them very closely. In all cases we feel like they let the kid dominate them way too much.  It’s like they chose to give up on themselves using the kid as an excuse.

It just seems like they are making themselves more miserable than they need to.  If you like to do certain things now and want to keep doing them, don’t let the kid stop you.  Find a way to make it work. WCI takes his kids backpacking, even the infant.  Surely if he can do that there’s no reason the OP can’t find a way to swim with her kid if she likes to do that every day.  Alligators are overrated anyway, lol.

 

Click to expand...

I want to know what it's like after the kid gets here!!! I have been around focusing on solo 401ks and the whatnot, but I had no idea anyone was still responding to this post. I am going to go through everyone's responses and respond.

As a quick update. Still don't have any children. Been to Argentina/Uruguay this year, going to Morocco in Sept, and India Tiger safari in November.

I did cut WAAAAAAAAAAAAY down on my work hours to see if that could help me make the mommy -decision. I basically work 5 days on, and 9 days off now. (even easier than routine hospitalist gig of 7on7 off)

On those five days, I work approximately four hours, and then come home -- this leaves a LOT of free time. I have become uber-focused on nutrition and of course finances, and my off days are full of reading articles by Jason Fung (fasting guru in Canada) and books by Larry E. Swedroe. My husband says I need to find a hobby where I can combine the two, but am leading a very stress-free existence with enjoying both my work and my off time.

Since the posting, I took the advice of many and have visited multiple times my sister and her now 1.5 year old who I love!! The baby (or technically toddler now) is super fun and what most would probably consider an "easy" baby --- example we took her to an all day concert in Napa Valley (bottlerock), in which we boozed it up and listened to multiple bands with literally no sacrifice or hard work (at least on my part).. My sister and her husband had to feed her and change her diapers, and we put her in the stroller for her routine naps when she started rubbing her eyes (her signal that it's nap time).

My sister and her husband have said multiple times that they have not changed their lives to suit the baby. I can objectively say I disagree. They both have changed immensely and in my sister's case: for the better! They love that little baby and will do anything for her, and they take her everywhere, to restaurants, shopping etc (no major travel yet, so we'll have to see how that goes) I would not describe what they are doing as easy by any means, and certainly they've had to change around going to restaurants at earlier times in order to not disrupt her sleep schedule or disrupt other patrons. I think what i have seen is that once you have a baby: you are transformed. You transformed into a baby-loving machine that will do anything for your child and your old life literally ceases to matter (esp for the first six months) and not only that, but you just don't care about it so much because you're having so much fun with the new child.  These are all great things.

My best friend also had twins since the last posting, and of course her difficult 3 year old in which my friend has not slept in 3 years due to this child. Anyway, she recently told me that this time around with the twins it is not fun or not as fun as with the difficult first child.. (no words of regret though) just that everything is difficult and it's hard to go anywhere, she hasn't been out anywhere since february. That's pretty rough, right?

So I think I agree with everyone on this site that has posted: having children is a very individual experience and it depends on the personality of the child and the personality of the parents. But they all have one thing in common: your life completely changes, freedoms are lost, but made up by the "joys" of parenthood.

As for myself... I still have not officially decided what to do. I had the strategy to completely make myself bored with life by cutting way back on work hours, and see if de-stressing would change my mind on the topic. I have had more free time within the last six months than I've had in years.  What I found is that without my work to keep me busy, I've found plenty of other hobbies and interests to fill up my time. Perhaps being a parent could be one of those activities, but I haven't been able to take the plunge because I'm just enjoying life way too much right now.. it's odd to say, but I'm fearing the change because I'm perfectly happy.

[financialliberation]

It is a very personal and individual decision. I have multiples and another one. I love it. I also enjoyed my life before kids. There is no right or wrong choice just the best decision for you and your spouse. Best of luck and thank you for the great intriguing post and all who contributed to it.

[Tim]

Some people want to get married and some don’t.
Some people want a pet and some don’t.
Some people want to be a physician and some don’t.
Some people want intense hobbies and some don’t.

If you change your mind as many do, feel free to take a new direction. Drop and add as you please.

Children aren’t hobbies, they are forever. No guarantees, no refunds and no exchanges. If you have a lot of energy, statistics show being a ‘Mom” has been successful and popular through out history. Benefits are really one sided. Leave Dr. out as soon as your eyes open for the rest of your life. You are on call 24/7 you hope for another 60 or 70 years. No pay, no thank you, and a ton of backtalk, disrespect, quite frankly someone you know can get mad at you and break your heart every day.

Children are experts at training too. They know you have all of the responsibilities and they have control.
It doesn’t take long. How are they supposed to eat if you don’t feed them when they want? You will learn quickly.
At some point, you will be discarded by a child that is deciding whether to have kids. What would you tell her?
I simply suggest you follow your own advice.

[Dumpster Fire]

A financial forum is the last place to find the answer you seek.  The answer lies in your heart.  My recommendation is to rescue a dog first. It is a tiny insight as to how your life will change if you have kids and how it gives access to the love in your hearts.

 

[The White Coat Investor]

I suspect that most will have regrets either way. At times I regret having kids and I'm positive I would have regretted not having them.

It's a huge commitment of time and resources, but it comes with a great deal of reward and far more important to me than either of my careers.

You can certainly travel with kids, but you will almost surely travel less than you are without them.

[VagabondMD]

Dumpster Fire wrote:

My recommendation is to rescue a dog first. It is a tiny insight as to how your life will change if you have kids and how it gives access to the love in your hearts.

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I love this suggestion. So true.

[Tim]

If you get two dogs, you will be “Mutt & Jeff’s Mom” by the kids at the park. You will love your new identity.

[fatlittlepig]

The White Coat Investor wrote:

I suspect that most will have regrets either way. At times I regret having kids and I’m positive I would have regretted not having them.

It’s a huge commitment of time and resources, but it comes with a great deal of reward and far more important to me than either of my careers.

You can certainly travel with kids, but you will almost surely travel less than you are without them.

Click to expand...

fatlittlepig has never even for one millisecond regretted having fatlittlepigs.

[sir_throckmorton]

I'm a 31 yo M physician, and my wife and I had our first child just under a year ago. I was never crazy about the idea of having children, but I knew my wife really wanted them. I enjoyed the independence of not having kids and being able to do what we want. Now that he's about a year old, I wouldn't change anything. I certainly have no regrets, and it makes me wonder why anyone would not have kids. He literally learns something new every single day and it's incredible to see. Examples: a week ago, he learned how to gently sit himself down while standing up supported by furniture. The next day, he learned how to mimic us clapping. The next day, he learned how to turn the doorknob and open the door of his bedroom while standing up in his crib. Just today, he learned how to "cruise" along furniture while standing up. Soon he'll be standing unsupported and then walking on his own.

The last 6 months have been incredible to see him grow and develop his own personality. I couldn't imagine not having him in our lives. And again, this is coming from someone who always felt like I would be fine never having children. Looking back, I think it's kind of selfish to think that way. As another reference, I have an aunt and uncle who are in their late 60s who never had children. My aunt had once told us to "not make the same mistake I did in not having children."

Ultimately it's up to you how to live your life. I like traveling as much as the next person, but I would not let that dictate whether or not to build a family. In 10-20 years when you've visited virtually every place you would want to on earth, what do you have to look forward to? When you're retired and no longer physically capable of traveling the world, might you want to have children and grandchildren to have visit during the holidays?

[prison-doc]

OP--Sorry I didn't take the time to read your whole post and all the others above but I have traveled much like you and love to travel.  I had a child at age 42 and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love being a father more than anything in the world but again it is a personal choice.  Before having a child my wife and I would say we will be happy either way but now I couldn't imagine life without my daughter.  Might sound cheesy but it's a love that only a parent would ever know and understand and no traveling experience could even compare!