Children or no Children?

[hightower]

jessikaur wrote:

I know being a parent gets rid of a lot of spontaneity, and everything needs to be planned out.. with tons of structure, so I can no longer come home from work, hop in the lake go for a swim and wait for my husband to get home to cook…

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Doesn't need to be this way.

I think for physicians who are already very accostumed to a life full of BIG responsibilities, having a kid isn't going to be THAT much different.  It's just another set of hoops to jump through each day.  Who's not already used to that in our profession?

I think it comes down to choices.  Who says you can't come home from work and still jump in the lake to go swimming??  Bring the kid with you!  They'll love it! The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life.  Not the other way around.  My wife's parents did exactly that with their 4 kids and they did it on a carpenter's salary (my mother in law worked part time after the kids were a little older).  They went everywhere and did everything with their kids.  From day one.  That's exactly the advice they've been giving us lately.  Don't let kids slow you down!  Live the life you want to live with them.  They will make it even more memorable.

Some of my best memories in life so far have been traveling with my in-laws who still act like they are all children when they get together.  This has been my main motivation for wanting my own kids.  We've all piled into a mini-van and taken huge road trips or met up in a national park and camped/hiked together.  The chaos that comes with those family gatherings is absolutely wonderful when you look back on it.  We often joke at how miserable some of those trips were in terms of being crammed together, often bickering, while at the same time laughing uncontrollably.  My mother in law is convinced that the more miserable you make a trip, the more memorable it will be.  I tend to agree.  It's hilarious to look back at some of the insane things we've done together...for example: convincing my 65 year old father in law to "go on a little hike/camping trip with us" not fully describing what he was actually in for (hiked to Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back up again over 4 days or to the top of Half-Dome in Yosemite, or to Grinnell Lake in Glacier).  Listened to him cursing our names the entire hike (his slogan which he made into a T-Shirt is "I'm here, I must be stupid").  Or piling 8 people into a vintage "mini-winnebago" that had a top speed of 45 miles/hr and driving all the way from Ohio to the Florida Keys/Everglades or to Maine to visit Acadia.  It was SO MUCH FUN when we look back on it now.

Since I originally posted in response to this thread, my wife and I have found out we're expecting our first this October btw  As I mentioned before, my wife and I have traveled a lot over the last 7 years since residency.  Our trips have been awesome and super memorable, but the last few times we've gone somewhere, we've both felt like it would be so much better if we had more people there to share the fun with.  That's been a huge reason why we decided to start a family. We usually end up trying to invite friends or her parents/siblings to go with us, but they often can't.  So, with kids, we plan on dragging them everywhere!  They have no choice!  It's perfect for us!  And we want to live on her parent's farm some day, so the kids will also provide lots of free labor!  Lol

My advice to you is go for it!  If you think there's even a slight chance you would enjoy having a family, DO IT NOW!  I've still never met someone who honestly regrets having children, even my one friend who had an accidental baby at age 19 with a then girlfriend he now can't stand.  Despite this he loves his daughter and she's brought so much joy to his life.  I know it's not for everyone, but for someone like you that is so adventurous and spontaneous, you'll make an AWESOME mom.  Your sense of adventure sounds like my mother in law and believe me that's a huge compliment!

Fun thread by the way, thanks for starting it!

[Side Hustle Scrubs]

Hightower - congrats on expecting your first child. It will be a life changing experience.

Your advice of “The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life. Not the other way around” could only have been written by someone without kids.

I would like an update in November about how your accessory is fitting in to your pre-kid routine.

My advice to you is spend the next 4 months traveling, taking naps, going out to eat and going to the movie theater to see anything that looks remotely interesting. Take pictures so you will have something to reflect on during your 37th consecutive 2 am feeding.

Kids are great, but expect it to change every aspect of your life.

[MSooner]

Eh, I think it can be somewhere in the middle of the two posts above. Yes, Hightower and his wife are going to go through "OMG what the ************************ just happened to every aspect of my life" that all new parents go through. It's absolutely inevitable with the first child. But all the other adventures he described sound wonderful and I think it is a good attitude towards parenthood.

The shock is definitely less with each kid! With our first, I felt I needed a packed diaper bag and entire car full of accessories (including a pump and a baby swing) to go to my mother's house (25 minutes away) for an afternoon.

With kid #3, I planned a last minute 48 hour getaway to NYC in December with my husband--because hey, I suddenly wasn't working, I could dump the older two at grandma's, and we had the hotel and airline points to do it! I drove 3 kids the four hours to grandma's by myself (husband had to work until his flight left) and then took 3 flights (AA points suck and I wasn't going to spend any money I didn't have to) with a 4 week old up to NYC. No diaper bag--just an ergo carrier, a few diapers/wipes in my purse, and a nursing cover. We had a blast! Little dude even accompanied us to a 9 pm dinner reservation and a boozy brunch. It was completely exhausting and I don't regret it at all!

We still travel a ton with all three kids. That usually means adjusting expectations and planning things out to make things kid friendly, but we still have a great time. Most of the time (though not always, ha) we are glad they are there sharing the experience with us.

[AlexxT]

While my life changed after having kids, it didn't change that much.  As I said before, the "kids" hobby pushed out my other hobbies, but my life was otherwise the same.

We don't go out to eat much, we ordered in for a while, but honestly, we had started doing that before kids.  The same with movies.  Once we got a big screen TV and BluRay, Netflix was easier than going to the movies.

Kids don't cost that much on a doctor's salary.  All the hardware ( crib, dresser, diaper changing table, highchair, toys, etc ) costs around $2,000 total.  Diapers are a minor expense, trivial really.  Day care is the big one. For us, it's at the high end, $2,000 a month.  That expense remains if you go for private schools, and college.  That's it.  The clothing and toys get reused.  Daycare and tuition remains, however.  Still, it's quite manageable.  And once the youngest is 7 yo, they can do anything you do, with you.

[YSH]

Interesting discussion.

We have a ten year old, and with a 9 years difference, now have a one year old.  During these ten years, many perspectives have changed, for myself and my partner.  When we were DINK, we had only one relationship/dynamic to deal with, my partner and mine.  Every major or minor issue affected only us two.  Compromise was easy.  With each additional member to the family unit, we added new relationships and dynamics.  Now, every change affects 4 individuals.  Some changes are simple, easy for all to accept, sweet and full of positive feelings. But some required a lot of sacrifice, commitment and tenacity.

As for the financial aspects of parenthood, know that money can take care of ALMOST everything.  From traveling (domestic or international) with or without help, nanny or daycare or both, to outsourcing domestic or time consuming tasks, if you are willing to throw money at it, then it will be done.

IMO, the only thing you shouldn't really outsource is the actual relationship/ mentoring/ parenting part.  So, are you up for that?

[wideopenspaces]

Is anyone else concerned OP may have been eaten by one of those lake Gators?

[Steven Podnos MD CFP]

Raising our children in a two physician family was never easy-but I'd never change having done it.  This article may be of interest, especially to women physicians contemplating children: https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/05/motherhood-jennifer-fulwiler-book-one-beautiful-dream/

[Tyche]

wideopenspaces wrote:

Is anyone else concerned OP may have been eaten by one of those lake Gators?

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I'm still worried about the suggestion she swim in that lake with her baby! Florida has enough stereotypes, we really shouldn't encourage it.  :lol:

 

 

[hightower]

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

Hightower – congrats on expecting your first child. It will be a life changing experience.

Your advice of “The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life. Not the other way around” could only have been written by someone without kids.

I would like an update in November about how your accessory is fitting in to your pre-kid routine.

My advice to you is spend the next 4 months traveling, taking naps, going out to eat and going to the movie theater to see anything that looks remotely interesting. Take pictures so you will have something to reflect on during your 37th consecutive 2 am feeding.

Kids are great, but expect it to change every aspect of your life.

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I totally get that life will change and I completely understand that this is me talking before kids so obviously I don't have the experience to back this up. But, over the last 3-4 yrs all of our friends have had their first kids and we've watched the way they behave with them very closely. In all cases we feel like they let the kid dominate them way too much.  It's like they chose to give up on themselves using the kid as an excuse.

It just seems like they are making themselves more miserable than they need to.  If you like to do certain things now and want to keep doing them, don't let the kid stop you.  Find a way to make it work. WCI takes his kids backpacking, even the infant.  Surely if he can do that there's no reason the OP can't find a way to swim with her kid if she likes to do that every day.  Alligators are overrated anyway, lol.

 

[Side Hustle Scrubs]

I take my 8, 2 and 1 year old to the beach and local state parks all the time. I’ve taken them on planes. My daughter has hiked rain forests and swam under waterfalls. I’ve even survived taking 3 kids to Disney World. It can be done, but it is different. Their need to sleep/eat/poop supersedes whatever I have planned.

Just enjoy the months of freedom you still have.

I’m going to hold you to a November update. If you email me your address I’ll mail you a box of diapers.

[Dont_know_mind]

hightower wrote:

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

Hightower – congrats on expecting your first child. It will be a life changing experience.

Your advice of “The kid should be an accessory to YOUR life. Not the other way around” could only have been written by someone without kids.

I would like an update in November about how your accessory is fitting in to your pre-kid routine.

My advice to you is spend the next 4 months traveling, taking naps, going out to eat and going to the movie theater to see anything that looks remotely interesting. Take pictures so you will have something to reflect on during your 37th consecutive 2 am feeding.

Kids are great, but expect it to change every aspect of your life.

Click to expand…

I totally get that life will change and I completely understand that this is me talking before kids so obviously I don’t have the experience to back this up. But, over the last 3-4 yrs all of our friends have had their first kids and we’ve watched the way they behave with them very closely. In all cases we feel like they let the kid dominate them way too much.  It’s like they chose to give up on themselves using the kid as an excuse.

It just seems like they are making themselves more miserable than they need to.  If you like to do certain things now and want to keep doing them, don’t let the kid stop you.  Find a way to make it work. WCI takes his kids backpacking, even the infant.  Surely if he can do that there’s no reason the OP can’t find a way to swim with her kid if she likes to do that every day.  Alligators are overrated anyway, lol.

 

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Congrats Hightower !

On the subject of Alligators, what about the toddler who got eaten by one a few years ago ? I remember it caused a blip in the Disney share price at the time.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/08/09/toddler-killed-alligator-near-disney-resort-honored-statue/553497001/

[MSooner]

I remember that well. One of my sons was about the same age and we were thick in the middle of planning a Disney trip at the time. I still feel for that family.

They did confirm he wasn't actually eaten by the alligator--he died of head trauma and drowning. Cold comfort to the parents, but it would make me feel a little better. Slightly less horrific.

I will always admire that family, though. Instead of seeking media attention, they focused on themselves and healing. They also didn't sue Disney in an attempt to move on. I hope they have a little peace in their lives now.

[InfoRPh]

This is such a personal decision, and a bunch of anonymous internet posters aren't going to be able to make the decision for OP.  But reading about everyone's experience on this topic is interesting (hence the proliferation of mommy blogs/forums)

 

For my 2 cents, my husband and I always knew we wanted kids, and we had to work very hard to have our two.

One of my girlfriends and her husband know for certain they do not want kids.  She is very happy to be the "cool aunt" in her sisters' and friends' kids lives.

Another friend didn't get to make the choice about whether or not to have her own biological kids as she found out she had already gone through menopause in her 30's.

OP sounds like one of my friends from college - she was very ambivalent about having kids.  She was married for 10 years before she and her husband warily started trying to get pregnant.  When they did, even at 4 months pregnant, she still seemed very unsure about the whole thing.  Then, tragically, she delivered at 24 weeks, and the baby died after 3 days.

Things could have gone in very different directions - I really expected her to never want to think about having kids again.

Instead, they intentionally got pregnant again a few months later. When that baby was born at 28 weeks (and survived), my friend was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.  For their 3rd child, they used a surrogate for a healthy full-term pregnancy.

So in a few years, she swung from not really thinking she wanted kids, to diving full on emotionally and financially into a surrogate pregnancy.

You just never know.

 

FWIW, I felt like having 1 kid was life-changing, but eventually when we got the swing of things, she was our little tag-along buddy (especially once past the baby stage).  Then we had a second kid, and we're pulled in a zillion directions and frazzled.  We would have felt incomplete with one-and-done, but man, life was easier...

[hightower]

Side Hustle Scrubs wrote:

I take my 8, 2 and 1 year old to the beach and local state parks all the time. I’ve taken them on planes. My daughter has hiked rain forests and swam under waterfalls. I’ve even survived taking 3 kids to Disney World. It can be done, but it is different. Their need to sleep/eat/poop supersedes whatever I have planned.

Just enjoy the months of freedom you still have.

I’m going to hold you to a November update. If you email me your address I’ll mail you a box of diapers.

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LOL, I will certainly post an update in November.

[Miss Bonnie MD]

hightower wrote:

 

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LOL, I will certainly post an update in November.

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Congrats hightower! Agree that spontaneity etc does not go away completely. I think more importantly, you'll have to prioritize what's important and priorities will change greatly after a baby. I always tell women docs to consider working less to get a better balance. I am home by 4pm on 3 days a week, work 4 days a week in total - now that weather is nice, I take the baby on walks outside at the park or go to the pool!