Children or no Children?

[djohnflatfeecfp]

jessikaur wrote:

childay wrote:

Get a dog? 

Click to expand…

That’s so much worse. I know I definitely do NOT want a dog or any pets.

The only living thing that has survived in our house is the mold that grows on the food in the fridge.

My husband grew up with dogs, and always wants one, but I know who’s gonna get stuck with taking care of the thing, since he works crazy hours and my hours are flexible.

Click to expand...

I'm hoping a newborn does better.  Also, you are legally required to have a dog with a child.  We have two kids and two dogs.

 

How do you feel about melted crayons in the Tesla?  Or discovering spilled and spoiled milk in the Range Rover?  

[jessikaur]

Phoenixdown99 wrote:

Enjoy the scuba diving! Florida has great diving, especially the Keys. Make sure you get certified with a good group. The skills you learn may some day save your life or someone else’s life. I’m actually working part time as a divemaster for fun and to keep my skills sharp (I am also interested in somehow combining scuba/wilderness medicine and psychiatry at some point in my career). Feel free to message me if you have any questions or need recommendations! I am looking at this trip to Sri Lanka where you swim with blue whales. It is super expensive, but I love wildlife trips so I might splurge… Sorry to hear about your folks. I think that I will be a slightly anxious mom so I am not sure I could trust my kids with strangers before they are able to talk, but I think otherwise I think it would be ok. I didn’t have the nanny experience but my parents worked crazy hours as immigrants and my grandmother watched me and took me home from school. I always thought it would be useful to have nannies who can speak to kids in different languages and teach them, since that’s the best age to learn new languages.

Click to expand...

Funny you should say.. my first moonlighting job was in Key West, so I would work a week here in Orlando, fly down, work a week down there, and then work another week up here and then take the next week off, so 21 on, 7 off was my schedule for about a year.

But the job in key west was a nocturnist gig, and required me to see admits from 7pm - 12am, in a small key west hospital, and then be on call for cross cover until 7am AM... I'm gonna it say was one of the best moonlighting gigs I ever did and got paid a nocturnist salary!!!

It was probably the definition of a vacation job, since I got just enough sleep to be  able to roll out of bed at 10am, go fishing/snorkeling, beaches, or any other crazy stuff key west had to offer like their Fantasy Fest that happens in October, I also spent new years down there one year. It's a half hour flight from orlando, and the company paid for the condo and the car.. I almost* moved there indefinitely, but figured I was too young to be throwing in the towel less than a year out of residency.

You should come here and teach me how to dive next summer! Free room and board in lux accommodations with gourmet meals in exchange for personal scuba lessons. You can also be my psychiatric for practice =) Since we'll be diving with gators... you've got them all, scuba, wilderness, and psychiatry. I think there's something there.

Blue whales.. are my blue whale. I think we're going at the wrong time for this, but if it's available, I am definitely going. When I was in New Zealand back in 2013, we went on a whale watching trip in Kaikoura and saw sperm whales, and when we got back everyone was super excited, turns out the boat right before us got to ALSO see a blue whale.. I have been chasing them and missing them ever since.

No worries on my folks, both went relatively quickly and it's been enough time that I can speak about it freely.

A bilingual nanny is always helpful, but I'm currently learning Italian, so I think you can learn language at any time, just need to put in the time (I got tired of going to Italy and sounding like a complete moron, I know Spanish so our south america and spain trips are much easier to get around) but once you learn one of the romance languages the others become easier to pick up.

[Phoenixdown99]

Be careful, I might just take you up on that!!!! But I am not a full instructor yet, I just assist with classes at this point.

Gators sound awesome. I am a big fan of shark diving myself. Haven't gone with gators before! I know there are specific trips for that in Mexico. Don't know if its done in Florida (on purpose)

The Key West job sounds fantastic. I did locums in Hawaii for 4 months last year and loved it (before coming back to the DC area to be near family and more dating options).

I agree on the new languages -- I taught myself conversational Hebrew and Spanish, but still easier as a kid (I only know this bc I served as a translator for my folks when we moved to the US...oddly enough we also spent about 3 months in Italy waiting for our refugee visas and I picked up enough Italian to translate for them at the stores as well lol)

Let's stay in touch! I sent you a private message

[Phoenixdown99]

In case anyone is interested http://bigfishexpeditions.com/Diving_With_Crocodiles.html

[jessikaur]

djohnflatfeecfp wrote:

I’m hoping a newborn does better. Also, you are legally required to have a dog with a child. We have two kids and two dogs. How do you feel about melted crayons in the Tesla? Or discovering spilled and spoiled milk in the Range Rover?

Click to expand...

I have laughed so hard at your comments. I'm hoping a newborn does better too!!! Luckily the range rover is the hubbies, so I don't care what happens to it, and that's gonna be the carpool car, so he can deal with it!

[Kamban]

jessikaur wrote:

This is promising. Also, sorry for the spelling error and the misconception that Tasmania was it’s own country. I was planning on doing that trip over next thanksgiving/beginning of december, is that a good time? I haven’t done any research on it yet, as I’m still working on the argentina/italy trip which come earlier.

Click to expand...

We went in late July / August because we wanted to do a road trip in the outback ( like Mad Max movie) and that is impossible in their summer which is Dec - March. A group of us went in a 15 seater from Alice Springs to Uluru camping for a day in the wilderness of the outback along with wild dingos. And seeing the Milky way under the southern sky. Pure magic though the desert was freezing in the night. And an early morning hike around the great rock where the temp can soar to 45C in summers.

We went to Hobart and Launceston in Tasmania, hoping to see the Tasmanian devils and the duck billed platypus in the wild. Unfortunately the former were getting a sarcoma that was killing them and the latter are very elusive creatures to see in the wild. But the island is gorgeous.

The great barrier reef is wonderful for scuba diving though I did only snorkelling.

[Kamban]

jessikaur wrote:

I think this is the my biggest fear. My husband says that I live my life at extremes, I can’t just half-****************** something. And freedom is so important to me, ************************ I just quit a very nice job the moment they tried to lock me down into 12 hr in house shifts. So I’m afraid I’d lose myself if I had kids and all of my efforts would be shifted to the kids to help them achieve their dreams and goals, and everything I still want to accomplish would be put on hold for 10-15 years, and then may never happen.

Click to expand...

What you have achieved so far is more than many people will ever achieve in their lifetimes. Education. Work. Travel.

And if you have another 10-15 years you will be in the same boat. There is always something that once wants to do.

And parents can achieve a lot with children too. And after they have become empty nesters also.

[wideopenspaces]

I read your initial post and all the subsequent responses :-) Lots of food for thought there. I'm a psychiatrist, so I get a view into people's inner lives, more than the average joe. There are definitely men and women out there that regret having children. People don't like to admit because they feel like it makes them bad, for feeling that way. But children are hard, there's no getting around that. So if you choose to have kids, it is possible you will feel that way at some point (and it's probably ok).

Based on the very little I know about you, and basically being a total internet stranger, I will say that you sound like you have a wonderful, exciting, full life, and I'm willing to bet it will continue to be that way without kids in the picture. I would not recommend having kids just because you think you *might* regret not having them some day. That said, you have just made a complete 180 degree change to your work life, you've been on a whirlwind of trips and then you met your new niece while turning 36. I know you probably feel a lot of pressure to make a decision right now, but seriously, I think you need to take some time to breathe. Take a beat. I honestly got tired just listening to you describe your life. I tend to recommend therapy on the regular, and it might be a good idea for you. Maybe take some time to explore all of these different emotions and desires. I imagine basically being abandoned by your mother and not really having your father around a whole lot has impacted your vision of parenthood and might benefit from unpacking some of that with someone. Because you're going to want to have a little less ambivalence, whichever way you go.

Good luck sorting this, and your other recent life changes, out!

 

[G]

Kamban wrote:

We went to Hobart and Launceston in Tasmania, hoping to see the Tasmanian devils and the duck billed platypus in the wild. Unfortunately the former were getting a sarcoma that was killing them and the latter are very elusive creatures to see in the wild. But the island is gorgeous.

Click to expand...

I spent three weeks (including 10 days on the Franklin River) looking for a Tasmanian Tiger.

Me taking a thylacine photo was actually part of my retirement plan (aka "get rich quick").

No success, so I just loaded up on Tassie whisky instead.

[CM]

Phoenixdown99 wrote:

In case anyone is interested http://bigfishexpeditions.com/Diving_With_Crocodiles.html

Click to expand...

Did you know that crocodiles and alligators kill and eat people? Just checking.

[CM]

jessikaur wrote:

Will I regret having kids? Will I regret not having kids? (especially later, when I’m no longer able to have them)

Click to expand...

.

[LizOB]

Hard to answer this question for you. I always knew I wanted kids. I have a toddler and he TOTALLY changed everything (no such thing as a weekend "off" anymore, I am toddler-chasing) but at the same time I just love him to pieces and wouldn't trade it for anything. I recognize there is wide variation in how different people feel about it though. Financially you'll be fine. There are trade-offs, but you'll be fine.

Have you given any thought to freezing eggs or embryos now so you can push out your decision without that ticking clock nagging you?

[AnesPain]

Like many have said, it's a personal decision.  As someone a little older having children (me currently 39, wife 34, daughter 14 months), I feel like we had to simplify our lives somewhat and thus have not felt it to be too stressful.  We don't travel like you guys do.  We used to do one 7-10 day trip a year (unless it was India, then 2 weeks+) and 3-4 long weekend trips a year.  We haven't traveled near as much since she was born, but we are both perfectly content staying at home.  However, I have not had to give up a many things as I thought (exercise, watching sports), I just have to be more flexible on when I can do them.

With both of us being physicians (me FT + side gig, wife 0.75 FTE), we definitely had to go the day care route.  We still do date night, but also are happy to stay at home and cook dinner and enjoy a bottle of wine after the little one is in bed.  We both wanted kids, got married late (35 and 30), and thankfully had no debt by that point so there has been less pressure to make money and still enjoy our life and lifestyle.  But it is all worth it with our daughter.  We recently changed our office hours, which has allowed me to come home and spend a little bit of time with her every night before her bedtime.  There is nothing I look forward to more every day.  And I have found even the most simple things in life to be the most enjoyable (walks with the family on a Sunday morning).  It has definitely given me new outlook on my priorities and what I value.  And to boot, we have actually saved more this year because we ended up traveling and eating out much less (we were already in a decent spot savings wise, but spent a fair amount by WCI standards) despite making less money.

In the end, nothing I used to do (work, hobbies) comes close to the happiness and joy a child has brought me.  I never thought it would be like that for me, nor did I have a child for that reason.  I have always been a work kind of guy and enjoyed my free time to no end, even if it was watching football all day on Saturday.  I have always liked kids, but I don't think I was truly able to understand that feeling until I had my own.  And I think that is the kicker.  It's really hard to know until you experience it for yourself.

[jessikaur]

LizOB wrote:

Have you given any thought to freezing eggs or embryos now so you can push out your decision without that ticking clock nagging you?

Click to expand...

I have seriously considered this... but as understanding as my husband is, he's pushing 40, he essentially said, he does't want to be an old dad, and still wants to be able to do things with said children and or grandchildren (eventually) so i'm kind of in a now or never..

I'm actually not very conventional, and I even thought of a scheme in which, we live our lives in reverse.. and do all the traveling and fun stuff now, and then when were fifty we can adopt (or even later) because at that point, we might be too old to get around all of these crazy countries, our careers will definitely be set, and we could do all in with the children..

(neither of us has any issues with adopting)

However, I've been told the adoption process is super stressful, and there's an age cut off at 45!!! can you believe this??

[adventure]

Welcome!

If you aren't up for (the resonsiblity of) a dog or agreeing with a spouse on who would actually care of it... I'd suggest you shouldn't consider the kid thing until you can agree - should be a team effort.

wideopenspaces wrote:

I tend to recommend therapy on the regular, and it might be a good idea for you.

Click to expand...

100% agree.

Respectfully, I'm concerned you sound miserable. You don't sound happy, you have it all, and yet you act rather spontanenously. I like the idea of seeing someone - I think there is a bit to unpack.