Children or no Children?

[jessikaur]

adventure wrote:

100% agree. Respectfully, I’m concerned you sound miserable. You don’t sound happy, you have it all, and yet you act rather spontanenously. I like the idea of seeing someone – I think there is a bit to unpack.

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Indeed, I HAVE been miserable for the past year.. due to the multiple jobs and the house remodel and the difficult motherhood decision which has been weighing on me on top of everything else... hence getting rid of the extra unnecessary job, and the house remodel is done (although restarted since IRMA destroyed a large part of the house, but this time, I'm not stressing to get it completed since I can still live here), and I decided to stop enabling my perfectly capable sister by cutting her off financially (don't ask) which had caused a lot of additional unnecessary family drama.

Since then, (which is literally just last month, I have been stress free and happier, and now the stress is coming from next steps.. which everyone has told me to take a minute! but I have never been able to take a minute..

Oh, I have always been spontaneous, going to med school was slightly on a whim (someone said I would be better off doing that, than being a biochemist working for the CDC, which was my original goal, and lo and behold the next day I saw a sign for the MCAT, and basically went for it), the MBA had been on the back of my mind since I was elected chair, but while we were in Tanzania over thanksgiving, I decided to go for it, and I was enrolled and going to school that January (I asked for a special exception to allow me to enter into the class, even though I narrowly missed the deadline to apply), I thought I would use it to go into hospital admin, but after four years of hospital admin, I realized it definitely was not for me...

It's crazy, but I AM a spontaneous person, but I try to do it methodically, if that makes sense??? for example, I may not hop on a plane and go to europe tomorrow, but I would do it on my next week off, if I didn't have any moonlighting going on and the tickets were cheap...

I know being a parent gets rid of a lot of spontaneity, and everything needs to be planned out.. with tons of structure, so I can no longer come home from work, hop in the lake go for a swim and wait for my husband to get home to cook...

I totally agree with therapy, but sometimes I worry about seeing a psychiatrist and having difficulties obtaining work (on the locums/credentialing apps, I think they ask you about psych stuff) so I know the records are sealed, but if you ever get taken to court, I'm sure they'd dig up that I was seeing someone for my mental health even if it was just for coaching through a tough situation...

maybe I should start a whole separate post on that topic? are doctors that see psychiatrists at risk? maybe someone of the psych doc know this..

[Zaphod]

Rb52dds wrote:

We didn’t want kids. First one was an accident. I cried for a month.

Fast forward. We have a 7 &9 year old. I still hate most kids but ours are awesome.

They probably saved my life. They got me out of my self absorbed rat race life and brought meaning and clarity to things.

We still go to Europe every year and fly somewhere almost every month together. Our kids are cool.

People who done want kids make the coolest parents.

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I really dont like anyone elses kids either, I think thats natural.

[Rb52dds]

We didn't want kids. First one was an accident. I cried for a month.

Fast forward. We have a 7 &9 year old. I still hate most kids but ours are awesome.

They probably saved my life. They got me out of my self absorbed rat race life and brought meaning and clarity to things.

We still go to Europe every year and fly somewhere almost every month together. Our kids are cool.

People who done want kids make the coolest parents.

[Hank]

In the classic words of Yogi Berra, "when you come to a fork in the road, take it."  You're 36 and your husband is 39.  If you think you might want to have kids, now is the time to start trying seriously.

Kids are very expensive and time consuming.  You have to feed them, cloth them, modify your sleep, culinary, and travel preferences to meet their needs, and sock enough away in a 529 to take care of their higher education needs.

If you wait somewhat longer, you'll get the discomfort and expense of IVF; the expense, intrusion, and endless waiting and uncertainty of adoption (foreign or domestic), and still incur all of the regular fun expenses of child rearing.  Ask not, my wife and I have experienced all these things.

The house will be a mess.  You'll change countless diapers.  You'll spend far too much time on seemingly simple math and reading problems and play chauffeur to countless extracurricular activities.  You and your husband will start dinner far too late after putting the kids to bed.  You also will have countless happy memories of nice things the little hooligans did and things that they said.

My wife and I want to have grandkids, just not too soon.  We've funded the 529s quite well and are looking forward to when the last one moves out of the house, but we don't want it to happen too soon.

[Re3iRtH]

adventure -
I picked up the same from her post. The need to do a lot of impressive sounding things (and the need to tell a bunch of people in gory detail) is a sign of inner insecurity.
If not therapy, I would recommend studying and applying something like stoicism to her life. I love to travel and brag myself, so I am saying this from a place of understanding. OP has major FOMO and an even more major chip on the shoulder.

[Re3iRtH]

Based on the tone of your post, you should have been a radiologist. I am also ADD, mind always wandering with wild ideas, new business ideas or traveling plans.
Since I sense you are in a rush to do/see as much as you can, you are always chasing the next best thing. You may regret it if you never have kids. Just a hunch. I'm the same in that I feel like I need to extract as much as I can out of every moment in the day. Wish I had your work ethic though. Good luck with whatever you choose!

[drcolleen]

I have 4 kids, 2 dogs, 3 goats, 4 chicken and currently 5 shop cats (had 2 litters this summer, ugh) and if you aren't up for a dog you are probably not up for kids... maybe a cat though.  Perhaps I am the minority in this opinion and I mean no offense but you asked the question.  If you think boarding a dog for your travels, throwing down a bowl of dry food once-twice a day and installing a doggie door to a fenced in yard is to much work then having a kid sounds like a crazy plan.  I'm no world traveler but I've taken 2 or 4 kids on 6 cross country flights this year multiple of them without my husband so I am certainly not opposed to traveling but my travels are greatly different than yours.  I have a partner who sounds a lot like you, she and her husband travel everywhere all the time and they are not planning kids and are content with this so you are certainly not unique in choosing a lifestyle you know makes you happy (if that's the case) over the potential happiness of children --which is certainly not a guarantee, I'm a family doc and there are so many kids I can't stand being trapped in an exam room with for more than 10 minutes so I'm not sure what I would do if they were mine.

In the end only you can decide what the right plan is and whatever you decide to do in life can lead you to happiness/contentment, but the kid route is quite a bit more unpredictable, sticky and loud.  Good luck!

[Peds]

I'm waiting for someone with kids to chime in not to do it.....

[Kamban]

AnesPain wrote:

children (me currently 39, wife 34, daughter 14 months), I feel like we had to simplify our lives somewhat and thus have not felt it to be too stressful.

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AnesPain wrote:

And I have found even the most simple things in life to be the most enjoyable (walks with the family on a Sunday morning).

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AnesPain wrote:

I have always been a work kind of guy and enjoyed my free time to no end, even if it was watching football all day on Saturday. I have always liked kids, but I don’t think I was truly able to understand that feeling until I had my own. And I think that is the kicker. It’s really hard to know until you experience it for yourself.

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A lot of these apply to me. I was actually a little older than you when I had my daughter. I was concerned if I would have the energy of being an older dad. But I found out that working less and not stressing about saving money made me enjoy being a dad more. And I found out I was not the oldest dad, not by a long shot. A much younger kid than my daughter in the Tekwondo class had a father aged 70. And two of her classmates have dads 65+.

Small things bring great joy. Like the time a few minutes ago when she sat on my lap and hugged me and wished me a great journey to a conference I am due to go tomorrow. And the quiet times we have when I quiz her on her biology class or tell her about my childhood in India. You don't need to spend a lot of money for children. A smartphone and data plan is all that they need.  

 

[adventure]

Welcome!

If you aren't up for (the resonsiblity of) a dog or agreeing with a spouse on who would actually care of it... I'd suggest you shouldn't consider the kid thing until you can agree - should be a team effort.

wideopenspaces wrote:

I tend to recommend therapy on the regular, and it might be a good idea for you.

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100% agree.

Respectfully, I'm concerned you sound miserable. You don't sound happy, you have it all, and yet you act rather spontanenously. I like the idea of seeing someone - I think there is a bit to unpack.

[jessikaur]

LizOB wrote:

Have you given any thought to freezing eggs or embryos now so you can push out your decision without that ticking clock nagging you?

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I have seriously considered this... but as understanding as my husband is, he's pushing 40, he essentially said, he does't want to be an old dad, and still wants to be able to do things with said children and or grandchildren (eventually) so i'm kind of in a now or never..

I'm actually not very conventional, and I even thought of a scheme in which, we live our lives in reverse.. and do all the traveling and fun stuff now, and then when were fifty we can adopt (or even later) because at that point, we might be too old to get around all of these crazy countries, our careers will definitely be set, and we could do all in with the children..

(neither of us has any issues with adopting)

However, I've been told the adoption process is super stressful, and there's an age cut off at 45!!! can you believe this??

[AnesPain]

Like many have said, it's a personal decision.  As someone a little older having children (me currently 39, wife 34, daughter 14 months), I feel like we had to simplify our lives somewhat and thus have not felt it to be too stressful.  We don't travel like you guys do.  We used to do one 7-10 day trip a year (unless it was India, then 2 weeks+) and 3-4 long weekend trips a year.  We haven't traveled near as much since she was born, but we are both perfectly content staying at home.  However, I have not had to give up a many things as I thought (exercise, watching sports), I just have to be more flexible on when I can do them.

With both of us being physicians (me FT + side gig, wife 0.75 FTE), we definitely had to go the day care route.  We still do date night, but also are happy to stay at home and cook dinner and enjoy a bottle of wine after the little one is in bed.  We both wanted kids, got married late (35 and 30), and thankfully had no debt by that point so there has been less pressure to make money and still enjoy our life and lifestyle.  But it is all worth it with our daughter.  We recently changed our office hours, which has allowed me to come home and spend a little bit of time with her every night before her bedtime.  There is nothing I look forward to more every day.  And I have found even the most simple things in life to be the most enjoyable (walks with the family on a Sunday morning).  It has definitely given me new outlook on my priorities and what I value.  And to boot, we have actually saved more this year because we ended up traveling and eating out much less (we were already in a decent spot savings wise, but spent a fair amount by WCI standards) despite making less money.

In the end, nothing I used to do (work, hobbies) comes close to the happiness and joy a child has brought me.  I never thought it would be like that for me, nor did I have a child for that reason.  I have always been a work kind of guy and enjoyed my free time to no end, even if it was watching football all day on Saturday.  I have always liked kids, but I don't think I was truly able to understand that feeling until I had my own.  And I think that is the kicker.  It's really hard to know until you experience it for yourself.

[LizOB]

Hard to answer this question for you. I always knew I wanted kids. I have a toddler and he TOTALLY changed everything (no such thing as a weekend "off" anymore, I am toddler-chasing) but at the same time I just love him to pieces and wouldn't trade it for anything. I recognize there is wide variation in how different people feel about it though. Financially you'll be fine. There are trade-offs, but you'll be fine.

Have you given any thought to freezing eggs or embryos now so you can push out your decision without that ticking clock nagging you?

[CM]

jessikaur wrote:

Will I regret having kids? Will I regret not having kids? (especially later, when I’m no longer able to have them)

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[CM]

Phoenixdown99 wrote:

In case anyone is interested http://bigfishexpeditions.com/Diving_With_Crocodiles.html

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Did you know that crocodiles and alligators kill and eat people? Just checking.