Best jokes/shtick with patients?

[JK]

I also use the "doesn't hurt me at all" bit with local anesthesia. Seems to lighten the mood.

 

A few others:

-When they come with family. I usually shake the patient's hand and then say something like, "I see you brought your body guard to make sure I'm on my best behavior." The patient and family member/friend always seem to get a chuckle.

-When discussing a follow-up appointment date, I either say:

"12 months or 12000 miles"

"12 months or 1 year, whichever comes sooner." It usually takes them a few seconds to get that one and then they start laughing.

-If they develop something that is likely due to age, I usually say, "It's a sign you're getting younger."

-If it's something that tends to run in families, I usually say, "It's one other thing you can thank your parents for."

 

 

[AlexxT]

JK wrote:

“12 months or 1 year, whichever comes sooner.” It usually takes them a few seconds to get that one and then they start laughing.

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When they ask me if some useless remedy will improve their surgical scar, I tell them that if they use it, the scar will be better in 6 months, but if they don't, it will take half a year.

[ENT Doc]

This is a rare situation, but I typically wait for the patient to loosen up by saying “can you see my brain?” (smirking) when looking in one ear. Then I start reporting on what’s on the opposite wall while looking in.

[Gas_Doc]

My running joke in preop before the patient goes back to surgery that gets a laugh/smile about 75% of time:

Me: “How was breakfast this morning?”

Patient: “I didn’t have any breakfast” (with a look of confusion, patient thinks to himself “was I actually allowed to eat this morning)

Me: “that’s the right answer”

Commence laughter

[sleepysurf]

Before anesthetizing an anxious patient, I'll sometimes say "No worries... I don't get paid for putting you to sleep... only for waking you up!"

Alternatively, I might say... "No worries.  I just watched the YouTube video on how to do this!"

Of course, this all depends upon the patient and procedure.

[legobikes]

About 80% of the time three- and four-year olds, mostly boys, will point to their stomach when I ask them where is their heart. Then I say, "well, I guess that is the way to a man's heart."

[jfoxcpacfp]

sleepysurf wrote:

Alternatively, I might say… “No worries.  I just watched the YouTube video on how to do this!”

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ok, that got a LOL

[radonc23]

Rad Onc doesn’t lead to much hilarity ensuing, but..

DRE for prostate cancer staging:

When they seem dismayed - “Yeah, you think I like this? It’s the worst part of my job.” Or “You think when I dreamed of becoming a doctor, this is what I had in mind.”

For the real “manly” guys- “Worry if you feel two hands on your shoulder”

During on treatment visits when the patient is a man and the spouse is with them, when the visit is over- “Take him home ... and be nice to him.” Always gets a giggle.

When a patient is following up and returned to normal weight and we are doing ROS ... poke him in the stomach and say “Looks like we’re eating alright”

[ITEngineer]

For kid #2 - Apparently the 4 doctors that were supposed to do the delivery were unavailable (reasons unknown to this day, but this was over a decade ago)

In between contractions, my wife made it clear to me that she was not happy having a random doctor do the delivery.

When the doctor arrived, he made some professional small talk (while doing what doctors do with a woman in labor) then at one point asked "What are you going to name him?"

My wife responded that we hadn't decided yet. Without skipping a beat "So you're going to name him after me, right?"  

It was the perfect ice breaker.

[squaredroot]

A couple here as well:

 

While doing MSK Ultrasound i.e. on shoulder:

 

Me: "and there we can see the little heartbeat..." and also "I  don't really know what I'm looking at here, I just stayed at a Holliday inn express".

 

Me: "You've got lumbosacral plexopathy mostly affecting upper trunk" - That's the fancy words so you believe me I'm a real doctor"

 

Another time when they tell me I'm too young:

 

Me: " I'm actually 75; I just age very well" or " I just work as a doctor part time in between my science projects"

[burritos]

As I was doing a pelvic on a lady, she asked me how I liked her "lovejar"?

[Dusn]

I tried the “doesn’t hurt me at all” bit before an eye injection once...  yeah... they don't seem to find it as funny when they're about to get a needle in the eye.

[FunkDoc83]

jfoxcpacfp wrote:

My fallback CPA witticism (ok, a contradiction in terms) is:

“There are 3 kinds of CPAs. Those who can count and those who can’t.”

More doctor 1-liners please – I want to see more! You, too, @jk!

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Jfox that made me LOL.  My favorite one so far, probably because I'm used to all the usual doctor one liners!

[Brains428]

So, I mostly speak to other physicians. When asked by a lower level resident if I could take a look at a couple images on a belly MRI, I said, "Which 2 images (there are usually 2K or so images)?" They were sort of dumb founded.

I still helped the person out. Sometimes clinicians forget that ordering a scan is more involved than simply putting in the order and waiting for the result.

[RadDoc6876]

Patient: "Have you ever done this procedure before?"

Me: "No, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night!"