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Best jokes/shtick with patients?

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  • #16
    I also use the "doesn't hurt me at all" bit with local anesthesia. Seems to lighten the mood.

     

    A few others:

    -When they come with family. I usually shake the patient's hand and then say something like, "I see you brought your body guard to make sure I'm on my best behavior." The patient and family member/friend always seem to get a chuckle.

    -When discussing a follow-up appointment date, I either say:

    "12 months or 12000 miles"

    "12 months or 1 year, whichever comes sooner." It usually takes them a few seconds to get that one and then they start laughing.

    -If they develop something that is likely due to age, I usually say, "It's a sign you're getting younger."

    -If it's something that tends to run in families, I usually say, "It's one other thing you can thank your parents for."

     

     

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    • #17


      “12 months or 1 year, whichever comes sooner.” It usually takes them a few seconds to get that one and then they start laughing.
      Click to expand...


      When they ask me if some useless remedy will improve their surgical scar, I tell them that if they use it, the scar will be better in 6 months, but if they don't, it will take half a year.

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      • #18
        This is a rare situation, but I typically wait for the patient to loosen up by saying “can you see my brain?” (smirking) when looking in one ear. Then I start reporting on what’s on the opposite wall while looking in.

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        • #19
          My running joke in preop before the patient goes back to surgery that gets a laugh/smile about 75% of time:

          Me: “How was breakfast this morning?”

          Patient: “I didn’t have any breakfast” (with a look of confusion, patient thinks to himself “was I actually allowed to eat this morning)

          Me: “that’s the right answer”

          Commence laughter

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          • #20
            Before anesthetizing an anxious patient, I'll sometimes say "No worries... I don't get paid for putting you to sleep... only for waking you up!"

            Alternatively, I might say... "No worries.  I just watched the YouTube video on how to do this!"

            Of course, this all depends upon the patient and procedure.

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            • #21
              About 80% of the time three- and four-year olds, mostly boys, will point to their stomach when I ask them where is their heart. Then I say, "well, I guess that is the way to a man's heart."

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              • #22


                Alternatively, I might say… “No worries.  I just watched the YouTube video on how to do this!”
                Click to expand...


                ok, that got a LOL
                Our passion is protecting clients and others from predatory and ignorant advisors. Fox & Co CPAs, Fox & Co Wealth Mgmt. 270-247-6087

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                • #23
                  Rad Onc doesn’t lead to much hilarity ensuing, but..

                  DRE for prostate cancer staging:

                  When they seem dismayed - “Yeah, you think I like this? It’s the worst part of my job.” Or “You think when I dreamed of becoming a doctor, this is what I had in mind.”

                  For the real “manly” guys- “Worry if you feel two hands on your shoulder”

                  During on treatment visits when the patient is a man and the spouse is with them, when the visit is over- “Take him home ... and be nice to him.” Always gets a giggle.

                  When a patient is following up and returned to normal weight and we are doing ROS ... poke him in the stomach and say “Looks like we’re eating alright”




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                  • #24
                    For kid #2 - Apparently the 4 doctors that were supposed to do the delivery were unavailable (reasons unknown to this day, but this was over a decade ago)

                    In between contractions, my wife made it clear to me that she was not happy having a random doctor do the delivery.

                    When the doctor arrived, he made some professional small talk (while doing what doctors do with a woman in labor) then at one point asked "What are you going to name him?"

                    My wife responded that we hadn't decided yet. Without skipping a beat "So you're going to name him after me, right?"  

                    It was the perfect ice breaker.

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                    • #25
                      A couple here as well:

                       

                      While doing MSK Ultrasound i.e. on shoulder:

                       

                      Me: "and there we can see the little heartbeat..." and also "I  don't really know what I'm looking at here, I just stayed at a Holliday inn express".

                       

                      Me: "You've got lumbosacral plexopathy mostly affecting upper trunk" - That's the fancy words so you believe me I'm a real doctor"

                       

                      Another time when they tell me I'm too young:

                       

                      Me: " I'm actually 75; I just age very well" or " I just work as a doctor part time in between my science projects"

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                      • #26
                        As I was doing a pelvic on a lady, she asked me how I liked her "lovejar"?

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                        • #27
                          I tried the “doesn’t hurt me at all” bit before an eye injection once...  yeah... they don't seem to find it as funny when they're about to get a needle in the eye.

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                          • #28




                            My fallback CPA witticism (ok, a contradiction in terms) is:

                            “There are 3 kinds of CPAs. Those who can count and those who can’t.”

                            More doctor 1-liners please – I want to see more! You, too, @jk!
                            Click to expand...


                            Jfox that made me LOL.  My favorite one so far, probably because I'm used to all the usual doctor one liners!

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                            • #29
                              So, I mostly speak to other physicians. When asked by a lower level resident if I could take a look at a couple images on a belly MRI, I said, "Which 2 images (there are usually 2K or so images)?" They were sort of dumb founded.

                              I still helped the person out. Sometimes clinicians forget that ordering a scan is more involved than simply putting in the order and waiting for the result.

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                              • #30
                                Patient: "Have you ever done this procedure before?"

                                Me: "No, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night!"

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