Best jokes/shtick with patients?

[JK]

Every doctor has their own funny (yet professional of course) jokes or shtick they use with patients. I've been using a lot of the same stuff for awhile (patients still love it but MA/nurses are getting sick of the same routine) and was curious if anyone else has any good material? I'm outpatient and usually see patients back every 6-12 months if that matters at all. Also curious to see if some of the jokes/lines are universal or specialty specific.

[G]

Not too bad for my first time, huh?  And I didn't even have my glasses/coffee!

[VagabondMD]

One of my favorite standing jokes was to greet a patient for a thyroid biopsy and say something along the lines of:

"Hello, Mrs. Jones, we are going to start your Barium Enema now."

A favorite one-off was when I was doing a thoracentesis on an accented, dark skinned man, and I asked where he was from. He replied, "Nigeria."

"What a coincidence!" I replied. "I just received an email from a long, lost uncle from Nigeria who informed of a great fortune that has been left to me."

Everyone in the room was laughing, the patient the loudest.

[MPMD]

Great thread.

I work at a pretty major center in a major city so when I admit I often say, "you'll be staying at Chicago's most expensive hotel."

Also sometimes if I walk in and see a lac, fracture, hematoma or something obvious I'll give it the old, "I think I see your problem."

For shared decision making I'll say, "if you were my brother I would recommend X, and keep in mind I like my brother."

all tend to get good laughs.

[wideopenspaces]

How have I been practicing this long without knowing I was supposed to have a comedy routine??
I guess outpatient psychiatry is a little different ;-)

[MaxPower]

I give a lot of hand/finger/wrist injections. Most frequently used joke is:

Patient: “Is this going to hurt?”

Me: “It doesn’t hurt me a bit...”

Always gets a good laugh and seems to ease the tension.

[MPMD]

MaxPower wrote:

I give a lot of hand/finger/wrist injections. Most frequently used joke is:

Patient: “Is this going to hurt?”

Me: “It doesn’t hurt me a bit…”

Always gets a good laugh and seems to ease the tension.

Click to expand...

I love that!

When I do local anesthesia and patients say "I'm going to close my eyes" I immediately say "me too!" and then when they are laughing the needle goes in.

[jfoxcpacfp]

My fallback CPA witticism (ok, a contradiction in terms) is:

“There are 3 kinds of CPAs. Those who can count and those who can’t.”

More doctor 1-liners please - I want to see more! You, too, @JK!

[Curious George]

In rehab, there’s a focus on bowel and bladder management, so I use the following:

If a patient hasn’t had a BM in a couple of days: “When I was 3 years old, I read a book called ‘Everybody Poops’...and so should you!”

“Why did Piglet go into the bathroom? ...he was looking for Pooh!”

Also, when passing by a stroke/hip fracture patient walking with a therapist, I’ll say: “Looking good! ...but, then again, you’re a good looking guy/gal!”

[GUtiger]

Urologist. I have dozens. Best laugh with the old guys as they're going under anesthesia is, "Don't worry Mr. __, your sex change operation is going to go great."

[Lithium]

"Can you put me back on my Xanax?"

"No, we don't prescribe that here."

" My friend was here last week, and her doctor gave it to her. "

"Her insurance must be better than yours."

[AlexxT]

MPDO wrote:

In rehab, there’s a focus on bowel and bladder management, so I use the following:

Click to expand...

3 old guys complaining about getting older.

1st guy:  I have prostate trouble.  Every day at 7, I get up and try to pee.  I stand there for an hour, and if a drop comes out, I'm happy.

2nd guy:  That's nothing.  I have constipation.  Every day, I get up at 8, take ex-lax, eat prunes, and if a little pebble comes out, I'm happy.

3rd guy:  You guys have it easy.  Me, every day at 7, I pee a quart.  Every day at 8, I have a huge bowel movement.

"So, what are you complaining about?

3rd guy:  I don't wake up until 9.

 

[AlexxT]

MaxPower wrote:

I give a lot of hand/finger/wrist injections. Most frequently used joke is: Patient: “Is this going to hurt?” Me: “It doesn’t hurt me a bit…”

Click to expand...

I use that one too!

MPMD wrote:

When I do local anesthesia and patients say “I’m going to close my eyes” I immediately say “me too!” and then when they are laughing the needle goes in.

Click to expand...

I do something similar.  If they ask how I can stand all the blood, I tell them I hate blood too.  That 's why I keep my eyes closed when i operate.  ( That's when one of them suggested I watch Doc Martin )

=============

Sometime if I talk with an older patient about scars, they say " I'm too old, I don't care".  Then I tell them that they are never too old to care:

An 85 year old woman goes to the doctor, complaining of nausea, weight gain.  The doctor does all the tests: exam, blood, urine, ultrasound, and says: you're pregnant.

Woman:  How can that be, I'm 85?

Doctor:  I can't explain it, but there's no doubt.

Woman: But my husband is 95!

Doctor:  Well, of course, a 95 year old man can still father a child

Woman:  I need to call my husband

Doctor: Use my phone

Woman:   Hello, Sam?

Husband:  Yes?

Woman:  I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm at the doctor's office, and I'm pregnant.

Husband:  Oh no, that's terrible...   Who is this?

[AlexxT]

MPMD wrote:

For shared decision making I’ll say, “if you were my brother I would recommend X, and keep in mind I like my brother.”

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I take the opposite approach.  If they ask me what I would do for a family member, I say:  "I can tell you, but it won't help you much, because I don't like my family."

[AlexxT]

GUtiger wrote:

Urologist. I have dozens. Best laugh with the old guys as they’re going under anesthesia is, “Don’t worry Mr. __, your sex change operation is going to go great.”

Click to expand...

Well, in a similar vein ( no pun intended ) after doing a minor superficial procedure, I will sometimes tell the patient, or the family member, "no problem, we got that kidney out ok".  Of course, I have to choose the patients carefully...