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What to do when you don\'t like your best friend\'s fiance

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  • #16
    Counterpoint -- what kind of a wingman let's his primary crash and burn vs taking one for him to save the primary for himself (ie relationship suffers).

    The best person to do this unscathed is the mom-- the ultimate protector.

    Choice: D1a -  This is your best friend.  If you believe you have a good handle on this, GENTLY engage the mother if you have a good relationship if her as use that to assess her opinion on things and if they align with yours to verify and take Zaphod's point and when doing it -- let him do the interflection and challenge his own convictions.  My most painful scars but worthy lessons happened when the closest challenged me.

    This would take effort and caution to do, and may ultimately have a personal cost, but  only you can decide if it is for the greater good or not.



    • #17
      This is a no win situation. I was in the same place but a worse significant other for my med school roommate who was a good friend from college. I said nothing. I respected his happiness. She went on to cheat on him and get an abortion without his knowledge. He later started using opiates to treat his resulting mental state and never came back to medicine.

      I haven't talked to him for about 8 years.

      I think it just depends on how harmful the significant other is. Annoying or immature is one thing. Evil is another.


      • #18
        I once told an intern on my service when I was chief that I did not think she should marry her boyfriend because of his cocaine problem  and that she would have to transfer programs and repeat her internship.  I told her that no man was worth repeating her internship for.  Needless to say we are no longer friends.


        • #19
          Thanks a lot everyone.  I knew I could rely on this crowd for some good perspectives.

          To answer some above questions:  Not very attractive in my opinion (lol).  Not evil, just annoying/immature.

          I think (c) is the best alternative here unless he brings it up - I like the Socratic method approach multiple people mentioned.

          I feel like I could talk to his mom about it - my impression from comments he has made to me is that the family isn't her biggest fan either.

          Wedding isn't for another year...I have some time to think about it...


          • #20
            I would NOT talk to his mother about the situation. If he ever finds out you sided with his mom over him you've again lost the friendship. I know wedding isn't for another year, but I don't even think this is something you need to be thinking about at all, his relationship with his "annoying/immature" girl is not your business. If you had dirt on her like she cheated or something we'd be having a different discussion.


            • #21

              How old is this guy?  Is she the best he's going to get?  Before her, was he proficient at dating?

              How did they even get engaged?  Did he go out in a fit of romanticism and buy her a ring without her suspecting and sweep her off her feet?  Or was it one of these brokered exchange, hostage-release deals where she wore him down over time, made him the engagement chicken slathered with extra guilt, delivering several ultimatums along the way?

              Is she one of these overbearing people who will bend him to her will and you'll never see him again?  Or will he be desperate to go see his friends on the weekends and your bromance will in turn flourish?


              • #22
                You've described a beta male supplicating to an ( self-perceived ) alpha female. This relationship will not last.  You can communicate your prediction  using pauses, prevarications, obtuse responses.  Never leave a verbal smoking gun.  Be there later when he's miserable and alone.


                • #23
                  I’ve been in this position with people more times than I remember. I think it only works to speak to the person if they ask. And in that case, I’d go with something like “What are your doubts/concerns?” rather than just giving your opinion. The exception is my brother. After two ridiculous marriages, it is now completely acceptable for me to comedic-ly ask if this is another example or different, and to insist that I should have veto rights. But he has a sense of humor about it, and he’s earned that conversation honestly. Humor helps in general if you have to have  a conversation like this. I agree that after the collapse, no one asks Why didn’t you tell me? but in general rather feels supported by friends’ now open expressions of reservations. One of my friends found it an uplifting revelation that all his friends and family used the same adjective to describe the woman he is now getting divorced from: cold.
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