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What to do when you don\'t like your best friend\'s fiance

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  • What to do when you don\'t like your best friend\'s fiance

    So my best friend is engaged to a woman that none of our friends in our little group are really a fan of.  There is nothing really outwardly nefarious about her - she is overall a decent person I guess.  However, over the ~1 year that we've known her, she's demonstrated a pattern of behavior including emotional immaturity, lack of self-awareness, and just general annoying-ness.  She will frequently pick fights with him over seemingly nothing.  She is very opinionated and frequently complains.  The personal finance part comes in here: my friend is a non-medical professional who has made good money since graduating college and is now working to help pay off her non-medical professional degree.  She is likely going into a sector of work in which she stands to make much less money than he does.

    I guess I'm just worried he might be making a mistake, both interpersonally and financially.  This is his first long term relationship.  If he's truly happy with the situation and her, then that's all that matters to me and I will forever hold my piece.  He seems happy, but I can't be sure.  The way I see it, there are three options:

    a) Say something directly to him -  risking damaging our relationship

    b) Try to indirectly assess how happy he is in the relationship, either by talking to him or someone from his family - which could get weird

    c) Shut up and let him be free to make his own (potential) mistakes

    After discussing with my wife and other friends, I'm leaning towards (c) as I don't want to damage our relationship and he does seem generally happy in the relationship.  I was wondering if and of you have been in a similar situation and how you dealt with it.  Thanks!



  • #2

    Or D, wait until he asks for your opinion and be honest (but tactful)


    • #3
      A hard C - He's an adult, needs to learn to crash and burn on his own. Its ok to tell your best friend you don't like someone they just started to date if you see certain character flaws... but he's chosen to spend the "rest" of his life with her. As physicians, we have an uncanny ability to read people and relationships, and a desire to help, but this just isn't the place to do it.


      • #4
        either she's young and will mature or he'll realize and won't stick around, or they will get married and you won't be their friend any more eventually because these things can't be hidden.  at least for me, that's how these things go.




        • #5
          C...My son, against my advice, talked to one of his best friends who was in a similar situation with his girlfriend.  They ended up missing out on over a year of their friendship when the guy stayed with the girl.  When the girl dumped him, it took my son and his friend quite a while to repair their friendship.  The friend really could've used their friendship as the breakup was hard for him.  So, my advice is to try to tolerate the girl for now because one of two things will happen.  She'll walk, and your friend will need you.  She'll stay, and you'll get to keep your friend.


          • #6
            Unless he asks, keeping the mouth shut is the best option,


            • #7
              I lived through the C scenario years ago.  Dated a girl for a long time and once we broke up my friends and family all said the same thing - "We couldn't stand her."  It did not bother me they never said anything when we dated and they all knew it wouldn't last.


              • #8
                C for sure.  The best thing you can do is be there for your buddy.  Questioning his choice about the girl he loves will make him defensive and likely shut you out.  In the situation things do go bad he won't come to you to talk about it.  He needs your support and who knows, she may grow on your over time and you may come to see why he loves her so much.


                • #9
                  Another vote for C. If he wanted your opinion, he'd ask. This isn't a friendship deal breaker though. My husband does not like my closest friend but we mostly hang out without him, so it's not a big deal. When we all hang out together in a group, he's polite, so it's fine.


                  • #10
                    C.  Some lessons can only be learned the hard way.  Doing anything else may cause your friend to just dig in.


                    • #11
                      Agree not saying anything is the best option, frankly even when/if he asks. You really dont know their relationship, even though you may know your friend. It can always push you apart and them together.

                      If he does ask or wants to talk about it, just let him talk about it without adding your opinions, let him flesh out his own thoughts and come to his own conclusions. I think people make the mistake of talking with friends or family about every little fight or disagreement far too often, the couple forgets, but it can damage and make people pick sides with friends and family.


                      • #12
                        Speaking as someone who is the opposite of a relationship expert, C.

                        Per Vagbond's option D, be careful.  If he does ask for your opinion, this late in the game it means he has doubt and may want confirmation and not a real opinion.  So rather than dissemble and/or falsely confirm, perhaps use the Socratic method and make him talk it out if the topic ever comes up.
                        An alt-brown look at medicine, money, faith, & family


                        • #13
                          Ha, ha, ha... If he ever asks, only reflect the question back to him. Other than that it is hubris to even consider the A or B options.

                          10 years after the divorce, when the wounds have healed, and he brings it up, you can briefly mention... "I never liked her anyways."

                          Otherwise, it's a dangerous business to try to "police" other people's relationships


                          • #14


                            • #15
                              You left out the most important part of this equation:  how attractive is she??     :lol:

                              A lot of guys are willing to accept a certain level of craziness, willing to accept that it might not last forever, willing to pay a certain amount of debt, etc.

                              Also depends on how close you are to this best friend.  How weird would it be for you to as him "say brah you sure about this girl?"  E.g. my friends know not to take me too seriously so I could bring something like that up and the conversation would probably be lighthearted.  On the other hand I could see this conversation coming across as some sort of intervention depending on your relationship, and in such a case the best choice is C.