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Anonymous: Wife Wants to Randomly Move?!

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  • #31
    Originally posted by CM View Post

    Or what if he hates it? Does he matter at all?
    Of course it does, I wasn’t implying that it doesn’t, just stating a point that even if he were to move, it may accomplish nothing.

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    • #32
      Originally posted by HikingDO View Post

      Of course it does, I wasn’t implying that it doesn’t, just stating a point that even if he were to move, it may accomplish nothing.
      Sorry, I didn't mean to imply such. Just based on OP's post, it seems that he is very likely to be miserable after a move. So at best, one spouse will continue to be miserable, and perhaps both.
      Erstwhile Dance Theatre of Dayton performer cum bellhop. Carried (many) bags for a lovely and gracious 59 yo Cyd Charisse. (RIP) Hosted epic company parties after Friday night rehearsals.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by Hatton View Post
        As a retired OB I can tell you that patients who seemed very happy during the pregnancy and seemed to have a great marriage seemed to crash and burn frequently. The new lifestyle is a big adjustment that some simply cannot make without a lot of help. I think getting her to see either her OB, a psychiatrist, or a counselor is a place to start. I would treat a medical depression before making any type of decision about moving. I think a housekeeper/nanny would be a good idea. Lots of marriages do not handle a new baby either. The post partum time period is a very stressful time. Is breastfeeding stressing her out? If she will accept medication things will look better in about 2 weeks. It sounds like a lot of stuff hit her all at once. She likely needs some counseling and meds. The last thing she needs is to move.
        Well said. Moving will make things worse not better.

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        • #34
          This is obviously very distressing to you. My wife and I have moved 6 times in nearly 8 years ago marriage. Moving is a very stressful experience. We actually drove half way across the country when my wife was 5 (yes, five) days post partum with our first daughter. She definitely had post partum depression. She is 24 weeks pregnant with our second daughter. My job was very stressful when I started. My partner put in his 90 day notice 2.5 months into my job. I was looking for news 6 months in, but things are fairly smooth a year later. We closed on our home two months ago, but fortunately the mortgage is less than 1 times my income in case things go south. Anyway, I would listen as best you can (I am pretty bad at this and trying to improve...). You both need help, and fast. God bless.

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          • #35
            The OP said he will answer questions and reply this weekend to a moderator.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by ACN View Post
              The OP said he will answer questions and reply this weekend to a moderator.
              I don’t really get it. This isn’t Facebook. I could maybe understand if OP was one of the regulars, but he’s a “rare” poster and I doubt anyone is going to out him.

              He should just create a throwaway username if he’s that worried about it.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by Lithium View Post
                He should just create a throwaway username if he’s that worried about it.
                That isn't allowed is it? I think that got Crixus banned.
                Erstwhile Dance Theatre of Dayton performer cum bellhop. Carried (many) bags for a lovely and gracious 59 yo Cyd Charisse. (RIP) Hosted epic company parties after Friday night rehearsals.

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by CM View Post

                  That isn't allowed is it? I think that got Crixus banned.
                  Not sure, but Toe Cheeze stuck around for a while, and there have been others like ICU Bear who seem to have had alter egos. I just think there’s a difference in creating a separate username temporarily to enhance anonymity (disclosing at the outset) and doing so just for the sake of trolling and evading moderation.

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                  • #39
                    Lots talking about the baby, but the new diagnosis for her dad may have just tipped it over the edge, its the acute stage. Lots of stressful things going on.

                    Great jobs are hard to find. You definitely need to communicate better with each other and get to the underlying issues so they can be discussed properly.

                    Its a tough situation.

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                    • #40
                      Sucky situation. Someone is going to be pissed or resentful either way. It is easy for us to say that she is being crazy and whatnot but it is much different if it was your wife.

                      In my world my wife is way more important then my career. No way would I screw up my family. Even if it set me back years. However in this case she doesn't seem to be acting rational. I would play for time and see if things improve. But if not you have a hard choice to make.

                      Home towns are disappointing. Lots of people are gone. Everything is different. Friends change or move. It is not even common for family to stick around forever. And in your situation her father has a terminal illness. It would be great to be close while he is around but eventually he will pass and being there might be even more painful.

                      IDK. Obviously you know what you want but make sure you are listening enough and compromising enough. Good luck.

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by ACN View Post
                        I’ve tried to talk to her about it and why she hates it here and there is no “good” reason; just hates it and wants to move.
                        Lots of good advice already. This reminds me of sometimes talking to patients where they are trying to make treatment plans before a good diagnosis has been made, and I tell them they don't yet have all the information they need to make a good decision. In this case you need more information in order for the both of you to make a good decision. How you get there I don't know other than to keep talking.

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                        • #42
                          I feel I was in a similar position as the OP's wife after my second child was born. I really wanted to move, but my husband didn't. In the end, we did end up moving cross-country. I will say that some things have gotten better, but others have gotten worse. For me (as the physician), my loss of job satisfaction has actually had a major impact on my happiness. I really miss my old job and now have a lot of financial anxiety. My spouse, ironically, is super happy.

                          That said, I was very explicit about why I wanted to move. If she's not saying why she hates it where you live, that's a breakdown of communication. Sometimes it's helpful to have an objective third party sit there and moderate, in a way. She may not be able to articulate why she's unhappy, or maybe she doesn't feel comfortable getting into it with you for whatever reason. I do think marriage counseling could really help you both.

                          The other advice I got back then is to avoid making any major life decisions in the first year after a baby is born. This is good advice. That first year is brutal. I really hope she has some childcare help at home. If she's too far away from family to rely on them for help, then I guarantee this is a big part of the problem. Hire help if you can afford it. Give your wife her life back. Being a stay-at-home mom sounds great (I guess?), but I did it for one week and had a meltdown. Even without postpartum depression, that transition is incredibly difficult, especially for a woman who had a career/friends/hobbies etc. before the baby.

                          If you can't communicate with your wife about this, then you need to find someone who can facilitate those conversations for you. Otherwise you will go down a road of resentment and misery that is very difficult to come back from.

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                          • #43
                            Didnt read the replies, but wanted to send ya positive vibes.

                            covid, new house, new baby, sick parent, sibling shake up. A lot to unpack.

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                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Lithium View Post

                              Not sure, but Toe Cheeze stuck around for a while, and there have been others like ICU Bear who seem to have had alter egos. I just think there’s a difference in creating a separate username temporarily to enhance anonymity (disclosing at the outset) and doing so just for the sake of trolling and evading moderation.
                              That would be a nice feature if someone could use a throwaway account strictly for situations like this. It would be easier for them to answer in real time instead of having to go through a mod.

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                              • #45
                                Reply below:

                                Wow! This blew up quickly. Thank you for all the replies. I'll try to answer a lot of questions / comments.

                                ​​​​​​I've definitely done a lot of "listening" lately and try not to comment or try to find a solution. I'm very solution oriented, so it's been hard, but I've let her vent. However, nothing changes about her thoughts.

                                I'm definitely convinced that it's a combo of the new baby, covid, and family dx. She doesn't want to admit it, but I'm confident it's all boiled over.

                                We are definitely not moving anytime soon nor are we making rash decisions. My wife definitely understands we can't just getup and go, but wants me know that this is a serious thought, which I've acknowledged.

                                A lot of the wives that we hang out with are the same age as her and also have newborns and some have kids who are <5 yo. Covid has limited any dinner and interactions, but we're trying to do date nights with ourselves and friends.

                                The babysitter/nanny idea is a great idea and I'm pushing it hard. My wife has a bunch of numbers and names from friends, she just hasn't pulled the trigger. This is gonna happen in the next week hopefully.

                                In regards to helping out and cutting back, I actually have been home a lot more during the last month. Taking call once a week at most, home by 12-2 two times per week, and other days by 5. My wife rarely tells me to do anything around the house because I just help out, so I don't think it's that.

                                She is breastfeeding and does all the night time duties, but our daughter basically sleeps through the night, maybe one feeding.. And it's been like that since 3 months. Our daughter is a Rockstar at sleeping at night. My wife wants to breastfeed for a year.

                                She thought about going back to work prn and work one day monthly, but with the new family dx, she doesn't want to anymore. I told her she can do whatever she wants. Either I'll watch our daughter that day or nanny/babysitter.

                                My biggest question is, how to convince her to talk to her doctor about post partum and/or seeing a counselor. She's already stated that it won't help. I'm not very optimistic about asking her to talk to her pcp about depression. (should I contact her pcp about my concerns?)

                                Sorry about the anonymous post and slow replies and replies I missed. I read it was against the rules for a new account, so I just pmed a moderator.

                                Thanks for all the advice

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