Anonymous: Wife Wants to Randomly Move?!

[FIREshrink]

" my mind it doesn’t matter that we need to drive 1.5 hours to see family or do some unique activities once in a while."

Doesn't make sense to you. Does make sense to her.

So you're happy, great.

Think about her life. She has no job. Stays home all day, alone with a baby. Can't travel. Hard to see friends with covid. Few amenities in town. Now her father has a terminal illness.

Of course her perspective has changed. Covid changes things, a baby changes things, terminal illness in a parent changes things.

Counseling would be helpful but she's declining. So you need to try to hear her. Where does she want to go? Don't counter; just listen. What about moving would make her happier? Don't counter; just listen. What does she hate about her life? Don't counter; just listen.

There are reasons, and she'll tell you if you really listen.

[Bev]

1. Hire a cleaning team to come in once a week.
2. Stop breast feeding and go to formula.
3. Get rid of all the "junk food" things you like to eat in your house. Eat them at your office.
4. Find a good babysitter who can watch the baby during the day to allow for shopping and an exercise class.
5. For heavens sake, don't think a night on the town is what she really wants. It often times just creates more work.
6. Get involved! If you have to ask what needs to get done then you are out of touch.
7. Get a Baby Jogger and go for walks or runs.

[Tim]

The baby and the Dad issues will find their own path and are complicated by the Covid situation. Just for grins, throw in the seasonal changes (Cabin fever is a real thing).

• I doubt seriously that "hate it here" and "move" will solve the issues.
• You sound sincerely supportive. It seems she is not herself.
• The key will be to find help to agree on a solution. That may be move or not.
• The old Comp, job, location was and is still the needed for the benefit of her, you and the family. Without a commitment for all three (not necessarily any weighting or preference) just a move might not solve the discontent she feels. It is a recipe for disaster. I would approach it with point that her suggestion is not wrong buy any means, but you and her might benefit from some professional help. You both need help in coming to a "Family decision". It is not selfish, it is just the solution to her "hate this place and move home is not an agreement. Hire professional help to get back on track. More of a help me help you approach. You need help too, the move request will cause you some issues if you simply move.

[legobikes]

Another thought; can family come stay without causing a lot more work/stress at home? Might help if her parents could visit for an extended period.

[GastroMastro]

She’s burned out from being a new mother.

[VentAlarm]

Sounds like post-partum.

[Nysoz]

It’s about communication and compromise. Part of the reason why I’m essentially retiring early is because my wife has always hated the rural area we’re in and her job prospects. She was constantly depressed and started antidepressants just because of living here.

I got lucky and got FI really quick so I have the option up picking up and leaving even though I don’t really want to and don’t have a job lined up in our new planned city. Everyone likes me where I am, I probably put in 20-30 hours of real work a week and have average pay no matter my rvus.

I’m the type of person that can be happy almost anywhere doing anything so it’s more reasonable for us to pick up and move.

The problem becomes what if you’re not happy at your new job? What if she doesn’t like the new house/city etc. What if the roles were reversed and now you stay at home with the baby and she goes back to work with a reduced lifestyle?

Ultimately she has to give you a real reason why she wants to move. It can be as simple as I don’t like my friends here or I don’t like the politics of the other wives or any other number of reasons. But it has to be a concrete one that can’t be solved in any other way than moving.

I wish you the best from a person that has an unhappy spouse to another. (I thought there used to be a beer clinking emoji 🍻)

[nephron]

Since you are completely anonymous and I do not know either of you, I will tell you honestly that I think that it is a bit selfish of your wife to just announce that she hates your current location without a specific reason. I wouldn't tell her that, but that's what I think personally. It seems unlikely to me that she would become magically happy in whatever location she demands that you move into, and it sounds as if you would become unhappy/resentful if you had to take a worse job just to accommodate her whims. Anyways, I would just tell her that you honestly looked in the area that she wanted to move to and could not find an acceptable position to generate an income to support you both with. If she is unhappy with that idea, either seeking counseling or asking her to come up with an acceptable alternative to both of you seems reasonable to me.

[MaxPower]

I understand the reasoning for wanting to remain anonymous, but it’s definitely more difficult without the ability to answer any questions. Has she said where she wants to move to, and why? If it’s the town where her parents are, that sounds like a non-starter for you and your job prospects. If elsewhere, I would echo what others have said that just a change in scenery isn’t likely to change anything meaningfully, unless there is some significant draw there that you haven’t explained.

Some type of post-partum depression screening seems warranted. Having a 4 month old in the era of Covid and learning of her father’s diagnosis, all in a short time period, could definitely be problematic.

[Hatton]

As a retired OB I can tell you that patients who seemed very happy during the pregnancy and seemed to have a great marriage seemed to crash and burn frequently. The new lifestyle is a big adjustment that some simply cannot make without a lot of help. I think getting her to see either her OB, a psychiatrist, or a counselor is a place to start. I would treat a medical depression before making any type of decision about moving. I think a housekeeper/nanny would be a good idea. Lots of marriages do not handle a new baby either. The post partum time period is a very stressful time. Is breastfeeding stressing her out? If she will accept medication things will look better in about 2 weeks. It sounds like a lot of stuff hit her all at once. She likely needs some counseling and meds. The last thing she needs is to move.

[StateOfMyHead]

If this isn't her general MO I'd consider depression. "I hate it here" sans explanation is emotion and she has quite a few life events that could lead to depression. If this is how she rolls when stressed I'm guessing you would have known and wouldn't have posted? I'd try to buy some time before even considering a move. The idea of getting her an apartment close to her family sounds like a great compromise to me. I wouldn't consider an abrupt change like this without time and professional counseling. Good luck this sounds uncomfortable.

[artemis]

"Wherever you go, there you are."

I agree with the others: this sounds like depression to me, and moving by itself will not fix that issue. It could even make things worse, if she ends up more socially isolated at the new location than she is in her current community. Family counseling is definitely in order.

[ENT Doc]

Do not move until this gets figured out. She deserves to be heard and you deserve an explanation. I’d be bitter as all h3ll if I never got an explanation and felt pressured to move from a great job. Don’t think moving will help marital strife or not create new problems. COVID, 4 month old (congrats BTW), father’s illness...all could be playing a role. Could there be infidelity, or could someone have done something to her that made her uncomfortable? Those things would be very difficult to produce specifics as would depression. Agree with counseling. Sorry you are going through this.

[CM]

So let’s say you agree to move, sell the house, get a new job, and after you’re there for a year, she hates it there too. Then what? .

Or what if he hates it? Does he matter at all?

[burritos]

This is just an anecdotal aside case, but last year I told a 56 y/o wf who was starting to gain weight, develop aches and pains here and there, and had brain fog/mood 'issues'. I told her to do IF 16:8. I know eye roll, but it took like 10 minutes to explain and it got her out the door with a project. Anyways, 1 year later she's off her thyroid medicine that she's been on for 20 years+. Feels great. Dropped 20 lbs.(not really exercising or eating differently). But the most poignant feedback I received is that her husband told her that her dark mood that she's had over the last 25 years has lifted. Could be placebo, but does it matter?