Oldest kid failed out of college!

[Drsan1]

I will now allow you to adopt my daughter

[Drsan1]

That's a good idea. She has had therapy in the past for difficulty with coping mechanisms and misbehaving. She probably would e up for it again she seemed to do well while in it.

[Kamban]

You do that when they are 5. At 15 they will do things that will make you tear your hair out and become bald. The cute girl becomes a tough cookie.

[White.Beard.Doc]

it is useful to remember that when you provide housing, money, etc to someone so that they can do nothing but play video games in the basement, you are participating in their mis-behavior by enabling them to do what they are doing.

The distinction between supporting someone and enabling them can be obvious at times, but at times may be a tough call.

When I offer assistance and support to someone who is doing their best to get their life on track, I frame that support as helpful and positive.

In contrast, when I offer similar assistance and support to someone who is not making an effort to change or to get their life on track, that is enabling and negatively impacting their ability to change.

[Lordosis]

************************ prostate...

I had actually typed out my thoughts that my prostate might act up right at the time my kids sleep through the night but I thought it was TMI for a public forum. But since you mentioned it I agree based on what my older family members tell me.

[CordMcNally]

i am not going to miss getting up 4-6 times a night.

************************ prostate...

[Lordosis]

I am going to miss this unconditional love stage.

i am not going to miss getting up 4-6 times a night.

[Cubicle]

I told our five year old she had to move out when she turns 18 years old. But then she started crying saying she wanted to live with us forever...

And this is why I am happy I don't have children. Especially a daughter. Because at that moment I would have moved all my assets into a trust to go to her, told my daughter she never has to leave "ever ever", & taken her for ice cream & cheesecake. And a movie. And toys.

[Tim]

Failing out of a private university is expensive...

Especially if one pays a boatload to get the kid admitted. Who would have thought of that one?

[Lordosis]

Just remember that you are their parent not their friend. It is hard to be both most of the time. It is impossible to do it all the time. Being a parent has its sucky moments. This is one of them. Sorry and good luck.

[childay]

Yes somewhat of a parenting fail for sure..

[The White Coat Investor]

I wouldn't start that young. But my kids have certainly gotten the message by 10.

[Brains428]

A co-resident failed out of 2 colleges, got a degree, taught for several years (pre-school, I believe), went back to school, got into med school and into a decent radiology residency. It was a long road, but he made it.

He is probably the exception. I also knew a lot of people who partied a lot and didn't graduate. Failing out of a private university is expensive...

[nephron]

I worry about this happening to my children as well. All I can advise is to try to take a step back and realize what you can control and not control. When people call Dave Ramsey and tell them about their 30 some year old adult children living in their basement, he usually yells at them and tells them that they have been harming their children by enabling their behavior. A bit harsh, but it is useful to remember that when you provide housing, money, etc to someone so that they can do nothing but play video games in the basement, you are participating in their mis-behavior by enabling them to do what they are doing. Although it seems nice to be providing for them, the end result is actually harming them by allowing them to do what they are doing (like giving a gambler money or an alcoholic more alcohol). You should definitely employ a my house/my rules when they move back and not allow them to become too comfortable. I think that it would be hard to kick my adult kids out of my house, but I think that sometimes, that is probably what some parents need to do and in the end, it would probably help the kids rather then harm them by doing so.

[mkintx]

I agree that you should not feign a psych illness to get a free pass - but are you sure there is no issue? You might have her see a therapist or if she goes back to college try to find a good academic coach. She might have poor organizational skills.

I agree. I have a son who did just fine academically until things got just a little tougher, and then he was overwhelmed. We couldn't figure out what to do, and so sent him for neuropsych testing. He turned out to have ADHD, a diagnosis that made sense in retrospect, but not something we anticipated. Some therapy and coaching might do your kid a world of difference. No kid *wants* to fail out of college--I'd see if a therapist could help, and would make sure she knows that you love her no matter what. College suicide is very real thing, and while tough love has its place, she might be feeling pretty vulnerable right now. My son's strategy for dealing with being overwhelmed was to avoid his work--maybe her partying is a symptom of something else.