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  • #31
    This is an odd request for advice as you do not have a particular wife in mind yet. Anyways, while complaining about my job, I was thinking about the military folks that have to spend months away from the family. There are plenty of other jobs that require prolonged periods away from family. The difference between those jobs and you choosing a locums lifestyle is that you would presumably have a choice. If I were single and looking to have child with someone (I am neither), I would avoid you and recommend anyone considering marrying and having kids avoid you. Even if you have to work a lot of hours, after you have kids, you will realize how helpful it is to have a spouse that at least tries to be there for childcare issues when at all possible. That being said, I agree with just looking for partner that is willing to settle. I would make sure that I had a good pre-nup in place if you want any degree of asset protection though.

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    • #32
      Originally posted by rick43221 View Post
      Do you think what I just wrote is plausible. Yes i am gone mostly for 3 to 6 months for the 6 months I am there I am always there
      "seeming reasonable or probable:" ?
      No.
      Not meaning to be judgemental. There are some occupations that out of necessity require long periods of absence.
      "I really cannot do 9 to 5 job year after year." does not fall into that category. Planning on a part time presence as a parent and spouse actually seems a little "unnatural". The vast majority of people choose an occupation to allow more time for family (spouse and kids).

      I can see why her family is hesitant. The same reason you are. .5 FTE spouse and dad is an unusual path that requires a ton of sacrifice of others in your life. Hard to make up time away, for whatever reason. I would not suggest it. High risk.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by rick43221 View Post
        I am looking to marry someone but I want to continue being able to locum in different states in the US and possibly internationally. Spouse will remain in one area and work and raise the child. Is this even doable? I plan to work 6 months and doing telemedicine the rest of the time at work. Can be done if the spouse is also working part time? Has anyone done this without incurring a divorce? I really cannot do 9 to 5 job year after year. I thought about part time work or hospital work but that will not work for me either

        ​​
        This would be an, “I’m out” situation if I was on the other side of that trade off. Being a single dad/mom while my spouse is out having a great time and traveling around. No thanks. And you want me to work... L.O.L. Only under the condition that I get guaranteed multimillions in the divorce.

        Even without the kids, sounds like a “friends with benefits situation”, that would last until the “stay in one place partner” found a partner who was actually around.

        This sounds like a “shouldn’t have kids or get married right now” situation, but a decent “have your cake and eat it too” dream.



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        • #34
          Purposely becoming a parent certainly changes the equation but outside of parenting in general it surprises me at how many want to be joined at the hip with their spouse.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by StateOfMyHead View Post
            Purposely becoming a parent certainly changes the equation but outside of parenting in general it surprises me at how many want to be joined at the hip with their spouse.
            There's a wide gap between being joined at the hip and being apart 6 months at a time/in a row. Like in most things, extremes are bad.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by rick43221 View Post
              Many times. Honestly I would not mind taking care of the kids and have the wife work. We will see my other thought was just do telemedicine but that is a side job not a full time career. I will see what she says she agreed to do it
              I had similar thoughts until I had kids. Now i am glad I am the one who works full time.

              If you would have trouble with the monotony of a 9-5 job then I would argue that childrearing is not for you. Very similar day to day especially when they are little.


              Also remember people have a bad sense of future value. She may agree at first but as the situation changes she may change her mind. What you agreed on a few years ago is not going to change the situation.

              My wife is not a fan of when I have a late meeting and miss dinner or even worse bedtime!

              Raisin bran crunch for the win!

              Well the Wegmans version. I don't buy brand cereal.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by Lordosis View Post

                I had similar thoughts until I had kids. Now i am glad I am the one who works full time.

                If you would have trouble with the monotony of a 9-5 job then I would argue that childrearing is not for you. Very similar day to day especially when they are little.


                Also remember people have a bad sense of future value. She may agree at first but as the situation changes she may change her mind. What you agreed on a few years ago is not going to change the situation.

                My wife is not a fan of when I have a late meeting and miss dinner or even worse bedtime!

                Raisin bran crunch for the win!

                Well the Wegmans version. I don't buy brand cereal.
                Considering the bad sense of future value is excellent advice and also not to buy brand name cereal, lol.

                I guess we are all different and I know this isn't unusual but I'd be uncomfortable if my spouse were upset that I didn't make it home at a certain time due to a meeting. COVID has made me appreciative because we continued going to work at our hospitals. I have a colleague who did telemedicine and her husband was working from home also. They spent the entire year together essentially 24/7. I love my spouse but one of us would have tapped out if that were the case.

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by StateOfMyHead View Post

                  Considering the bad sense of future value is excellent advice and also not to buy brand name cereal, lol.

                  I guess we are all different and I know this isn't unusual but I'd be uncomfortable if my spouse were upset that I didn't make it home at a certain time due to a meeting. COVID has made me appreciative because we continued going to work at our hospitals. I have a colleague who did telemedicine and her husband was working from home also. They spent the entire year together essentially 24/7. I love my spouse but one of us would have tapped out if that were the case.
                  Upset might be too strong a word. Annoyed is more fitting.

                  We are in a unique home situation with 4 little kids and it is logistically difficult to handle the evening alone without it taking forever.

                  The future value situation works great on kids because you can get them to agree to pretty much anything that is more than 5 minutes away. Getting them to honor the agreement is another story.

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                  • #39
                    Speaking from the perspective of the spouse who was "solo" for a year, I really hope your wife knows what she's getting into. I raised my 2 for a year basically without any help (hubby would come in on weekends usually once/month to coincide with my call schedule). My kids at the time were both under the age of 3, and I was in my last year of residency. The ONLY thing that made it work was knowing that there was an end in sight, and it was setting up my husband's future in a way to allow him to also be successful in his career. I don't think I would have agreed to it if it were an indefinite amount of time for a job that was another temporary stop along the way.

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                    • #40
                      What if we hire a nanny? The other thought is just do telemedicine all the time or part time clinic work. I have colleague who does the night shift he does come home but spends most of the time sleeping.

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by rick43221 View Post
                        What if we hire a nanny? The other thought is just do telemedicine all the time or part time clinic work. I have colleague who does the night shift he does come home but spends most of the time sleeping.
                        A nanny won't help with you being an absent spouse and/or parent. This conversation needs to take place with your wife (or future wife? I can't tell based in the thread). It's also a tough conversation to have because you and your spouse won't know your true feelings until you're in that particular situation.

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by rick43221 View Post
                          What if we hire a nanny? The other thought is just do telemedicine all the time or part time clinic work. I have colleague who does the night shift he does come home but spends most of the time sleeping.
                          I'm having a hard time keeping this thread straight.

                          What do you do?
                          Do you have a wife or are you interviewing for one?
                          Do you actually like this wife/potential wife?
                          Do you or don't you want to live in a home with wife and kid?
                          Since you mention clinic, I assume you actually see patients--why exactly can't you do clinic?
                          Why do you want to have a kid if you are not interested in raising it?

                          Sorry if that comes off as harsh, but not only am I having a hard time keeping it straight, I don't really understand what you're even asking, especially since pretty much everyone has answered. If I may summarize: Yes, distance relationships work; they tend to work for short/well-defined time limits/career goals; spouse needs to be fully on-board and when young is unlikely to realize difficulty of running a single-parent household while simultaneously incorporating a road-warrior locums spouse; distance tends to work better with more mature relationships and older families.

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                          • #43
                            Man nothing makes you lose faith in the power of the internet more than when your strongest opinions are not mirrored in it. Capn Crunch was the correct answer and the rest of you are heathens. The 'pebbles' faction should be taken out back like a maimed horse.

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                            • #44


                              Have you looked into a mirror and done some introspection. What really do you want in your life and from people who meet your specialized conditions.

                              You want to see the world / USA and also work and make money. But you do not want your spouse traveling with you. You want to have kid to have fun with when you come home but yet do not want to take responsibility for them 365 days a year. You don't have a specialized job like an oil rig personnel or a Nat Geo photographer who has to be out 6 months at a time due to job requirements. You are a physician who can work very well locally but chose not to and want someone who will agree to your whims. Who will take care of your child(ren) when they are sick? The mom has to go to work and you are on the other side of the country in your own little world. Her family? No wonder they are hesitant.

                              And if you are gone for 6 months and suddenly come home for 6 months to do telemedicine your spouse and child would not like it. They have built their own little life without your presence and do not want your interruption and unnecessary presence. They would rather have you gone all year.

                              Be careful for what you wish for, for it might come true. And you won't like it.

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by Lithium View Post
                                I’m hoping to punch out of locums because the lifestyle sucks so much, and I don’t even have marriage on the horizon. There’s not much else to do besides work and then go back to your hotel room and watch Netflix and eat Captain Crunch.
                                A hospital full of 80% women...
                                in a place you're never going to see again...
                                a place where a lot of those women won't be staying long either...
                                ...and a single guy has "not much else to do besides work"??? Whaaaa?

                                You should talk to some of the residents and locums surgeons there who seem to have many "friends" among the nurses, techs, paramedic, etc women... maybe some local Marines or Army who make a stop in that town. They might have tips for you? Cmon man

                                ...but as to the orig thread, yeah, married locums (assuming you are in a typical fidelity marriage) is bad at best. Much like military or travel salesman or other jobs, you are living the delayed life plan in every way. I wouldn't do that gig of being away yet being expected to be faithful to someone hundreds of miles away and be away from my kids if there was any other decent option. The vast majority of married guys I've known were were doing locums play around, though... and it's likely their wives back home are too. A lot of the locums women do also, but most are obviously a bit more discreet about it. Who knows what their "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement might be with the spouse while separated geographically? C'est la vie

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