Childcare vs house vs commute in Bay Area

[Lordosis]

lakeswim wrote:

So yeah, left it out on the sidewalk for an hour and that thing was gone.

Click to expand...

I went away for a long weekend and left the garage door open.  As far as I could tell nothing was missing.

Maybe moving to a better area is not a bad idea.

 

Who steals a stroller???

[StarTrekDoc]

Lordosis wrote:

lakeswim wrote:

So yeah, left it out on the sidewalk for an hour and that thing was gone.

Click to expand…

I went away for a long weekend and left the garage door open.  As far as I could tell nothing was missing.

Maybe moving to a better area is not a bad idea.

 

Who steals a stroller???

Click to expand...

Clearly you don't live in a metro area that's outside Japan.    Edit;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjjoVAgqp4s   start at 0:22

OP - don't buy regardless of your destination.  Things are simply too unsettled.  You're still having coastal commutes in consideration.

If he's a startup, you're the primary stability and that should take location precedence IMHO.  Move closer to your work and out of the city to the burbs that's reasonable for him to get on either on the rail or handle the commute.

We had friends commute from Stockton to the pennisula daily.  It's hellish, but they did it.  Does his startup really need commute hour schedule?

Just my 2 cents.  But staying in The City really sounds like a nonstarter for you.

[q-school]

StarTrekDoc wrote:

Lordosis wrote:

lakeswim wrote:

So yeah, left it out on the sidewalk for an hour and that thing was gone. 

Click to expand…

I went away for a long weekend and left the garage door open.  As far as I could tell nothing was missing.

Maybe moving to a better area is not a bad idea.

 

Who steals a stroller???

Click to expand…

Clearly you don’t live in a metro area that’s outside Japan.

OP – don’t buy regardless of your destination.  Things are simply too unsettled.  You’re still having coastal commutes in consideration.

If he’s a startup, you’re the primary stability and that should take location precedence IMHO.  Move closer to your work and out of the city to the burbs that’s reasonable for him to get on either on the rail or handle the commute.

We had friends commute from Stockton to the pennisula daily.  It’s hellish, but they did it.  Does his startup really need commute hour schedule?

Just my 2 cents.  But staying in The City really sounds like a nonstarter for you.

Click to expand...

i know it sounds insanely expensive, but could you hire someone to drive you if you only need 1 day a week and do telemedicine 2 days per week?

hope you are just having a bad day.

good luck to you.

money is not really your problem.  time and energy are the issues.  finding a suitable job that is fulfilling for both of you is.  if he's unwilling to abandon the startup and you like your job, spend money on improving the parts of your life that can be improved by throwing money at the problem.

[LIFO]

Get off the treadmill and reassess.  Here's an uniformed idea from someone random on the internet:  You should quit your job.  Move near your husband's work.  Decompress for a month or two.  Then look for work near where you live or open your own practice.  If that doesn't work, its your husband's turn to reassess.

You are mispricing time.  You cannot buy or earn more of it.

[burritos]

Any chance you could learn to enjoy this life? I doesn't sound all the bad. The hospital at which my wife is at, many hospitalists and surgeons seem like they are either on suicide watch or a revolution with guillotines is about to erupt.

[portlandia]

Wow, these posts stress me out. If this is the good life, I want no part of it. 2 Alpha jobs, hellacious commute, non kid friendly home, big city life, juggling kid/work responsibilities, nanny, childcare costs, no family nearby, etc.

Is this your ideal life? If not, what is? You guys make a tremendous amount of money and have already saved more money in your 30s than most Americans will ever sniff in their lifetime (admittedly a low bar). This should afford you more opportunities to live your ideal life, not less. There are a whole lot of people earning a fraction of your household income with much less stressful lives, if I am judging the tone of your posts correctly. Have you and your husband sat down and made a list of your life priorities? How does your current siituation align with those priorities? What are you both willing to sacrifice to make those priorities a reality?

 

[Hank]

Lordosis wrote:

Who steals a stroller???

Click to expand...

Hobos.

[Zaphod]

If a quick walk to the store and stroller up some stairs is enough to break you, it isnt the stroller, etc...thats the problem. You sound like you're burnt out or worse. These arent issues people have under similar circumstances. The way you feel about the area and life there is really affecting you. I dont see how this can end well, you're unhappy and the reason is mainly where you are and more specifically where you're not (at home near fam/support).

Need to have a couple of talks. One with yourself about what could change that would make you happy. Dont worry about whats realistic, you just want to drill down to the primary issue. Is that issue fixable. Time to have a talk together and see what kind of compromise can be good enough if any.

You might want to consider talking to someone professionally. In the end you have to be happy.

[Kamban]

The way I read this as

1. Your husband has put in hard sweat to build a company that he does not want to give up before the big pay day of selling to an established company. Partly alpha male, partly " I can do it" mentality, partly lure of big bucks. He might be willing to move further up in Bay or East coast but nothing is ideal. Flying in 1 week and 1 week in East Coast with young kids back in East Coast is a bad idea.

2. You hate SF. I guess you were born in East coast, lived and have family there. Your heart and mind wants to go back to the nice comfort of East coast. But there is nothing for your husband in East Coast, at least not now.

I think you both need to talk among yourselves, and maybe a counselor. Otherwise you will have a mental breakdown. Also have your PCP check you to make sure you don't have depression ( ? postpartum) that is worsening the situation. Maybe taking some time off and being with kids might help you but this can also lead to significant loss of income and you might go bonkers living 5 days in week in an unappealing apartment with 2 young kids.

Good luck to whatever actions you take.

 

[Anne]

I think you should see a marriage counselor. I would hope it would help you and your husband more clearly delineate what is important to each of you and what each of you can and can not compromise.

Your husband is a successful entrepreneur and you are a successful doctor. I'm guessing both of you have a fair amount of drive and ambition and will eventually feel resentful if you give up too much of the wrong things. Resentment is a huge relationship killer. And it can be difficult for 2 headstrong driven people to see each other's viewpoints, even when they love each other. You guys are each going to have to make some compromises or it's not going to work. The question is what sacrifices you are willing to make vs which ones will eat away at you. I think having a skilled counselor may be able to help you identify those, maybe see some options c, d, and e, and get on the same page to be able to come up with a plan.

Definitely don't buy a house until you are on the same page and both excited about it.

[lmgoodhair]

I went to a marriage counselor last year and it helped immensely, and I have to be honest, I did not take it seriously at first, but it really helped. Good luck to you.

[EH]

Also, you need a lightweight stroller and would consider moving. You have the money to rent something more child friendly so do it - being able to get out of the house easily is hugely helpful! The current set up sounds like a major hassle. Don't buy - you want to leave in a few years it makes no sense. I'd think where you would be happier living (there are lots of family friendly areas in the BA), and how to make the commutes work - can your husband flex his hours to be more commute friendly? Look for jobs closer by - maybe only work 3 days a week if commuting 4 is unpleasant.