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  • #46
    Originally posted by billy View Post

    My last post was the scenario with the best case for the kid- parents separated but respectful, amicable, living close to each other but not in the same house, both being able to get what they want in life so they dont resent the other and inadvertently let it affect the kid. Kids adjust to new normals. They dont adjust well to resentments, arguments, bickering, loveless relationships.

    When your kid is older- if they are in a relationship and they tell you they know it will not work out, they've been together on and off for years, but want to buy a house with that person, what advice would you give your child?
    Again depends on his and his partners dynamic and financial situation

    your suggestion is great if parents can’t stand each other and have serious disagreements
    But has its down sides like
    1 running 2 households which means more expense for me
    2 less time with kid

    3 living to close to her but seperate means I’ll be living much farther away from my family



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    • #47
      Preempt headaches -- by not getting into the financial mess of a co-owned house.

      By your own statement, there WILL be a time of off-again. She may even start seeing others during that off-again time. You're okay in the same house? I would say that the 'other' won't be and you'll be out on the curb married or not. ownership or not. Law will be on her side -- only headaches both financial and emotion irrespective of the marriage certificate.

      If you absolutely need co-location, get a duplex or equivalent.

      We have plenty of co-parenting families living in the same neighborhood, even street.

      None live together.

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      • #48
        Originally posted by Zaphod View Post

        And she absolutely will and rightly so. You've further solidified your status as a couple, "now he cant possibly have reservations, he made this commitment".
        But not legally right ? Atleast that’s not the lawyer I consulted said

        Or you think it can have legal repercussions? Other than the obvious real estate issue

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        • #49
          Originally posted by Zaphod View Post

          You cant preempt everything or even plan for it. In fact by looking at things through this very strange and fixed lens you are creating a new set of issues that dont even need to exist and making problems where they neednt be.

          You're not going to find a loop hole that allows you to get all you want and everything work out. You could be throwing away a perfectly great marriage and family life. If thats not for you and she wants it, let her go find it with someone who does, incredibly selfish and not the best for anyone otherwise.
          When we had our issues I gave her the option “walk away no hard feelings we will coparent “
          even tried to hook her up with a great guy I knew
          she didn’t so I’m not trying to hold her against her will

          and I do agree impossible to predict all downsides
          my biggest quirk is no marriage but it gives me great psychological boost and confidence (yes worked with a therapist but they found no real pathology just set in my ways )

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          • #50
            Originally posted by nastle View Post

            But not legally right ? Atleast that’s not the lawyer I consulted said

            Or you think it can have legal repercussions? Other than the obvious real estate issue
            don’t understand. you asked a lawyer if she could like force you to get married or something?

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            • #51
              starting to get troll vibes not gonna lie

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              • #52
                Originally posted by nastle View Post

                But not legally right ? Atleast that’s not the lawyer I consulted said

                Or you think it can have legal repercussions? Other than the obvious real estate issue
                It definitely can, really depends on your state but most have clear legal marriage laws and even without that judges have discretion and Im sure you will treated as married.

                Your best thing to do from a marriage standpoint is to simply, "get over it", I wasnt ready to get married either but for me I wasnt about to lose this amazing person for that.

                You dont seem extremely attached so probably not going through with it is the right thing.

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by nastle View Post
                  Again depends on his and his partners dynamic and financial situation

                  your suggestion is great if parents can’t stand each other and have serious disagreements
                  But has its down sides like
                  1 running 2 households which means more expense for me
                  2 less time with kid

                  3 living to close to her but seperate means I’ll be living much farther away from my family


                  3- vs her living further away from her family. Building resentment.

                  1- financially its going to come out how it is- splitting up and selling a house during a crash only to then eventually HAVE to quickly rent etc is worse than just never getting involved from the start. Not to be harsh, but financially speaking have you included having to spend more in child's therapy sessions in your calculations if you go this route? You're both adults, running a household is what an adult does. Kids are expensive, do whats best for the kid, not what's the cheapest option.

                  2- w joint custody you will have enough time with your kid. Between work and everything else, you may have less quantity but it'll be the quality of time w the kid that matters. 1 week on/1 week off or 3.5 days per week is an easy enough arrangement.

                  You said you know you'll be splitting up eventually. All you are doing by buying a house together is allowing time for more resentment to build up, which it will. There is literally no case that I can think of that it will work out for you if you buy a house together. Eventually one of you will not be able to stand the other (and this is all based on what facts you told us). The biggest favor you can do for her is to allow her to pursue what she wants, which sounds like marriage and a healthy relationship, which this is not. The best thing my college/post college gf did for me was break up with me despite us never having a fight. We knew we werent going to last forever, and it allowed both of us to meet our true partners in life.

                  If you really think this will lead to her not resenting you nor you resenting her, and your arguments will remain amicable, and you'll be able to show a good relationship example for your child to learn from and exist in by buying a house, and when you separate in 15 years being able to split the house peacefully, and over those 15 years being ok with every household decision (furniture, upgrades, keeping up w joneses, whole foods vs aldis, etc) well you would truly be a rare case.

                  For the record, I'm not saying get married. Its fine not to want to marry anyone. It's not okay to continue a relationship with someone and add more to it when you know it wont work out and you cant give her what she wants. I'm saying do not buy the house.

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                  • #54
                    Originally posted by nastle View Post

                    I don’t think any scenario I can think of in my situation is best for the kid

                    But how is marriage with a huge probability of failure is any better ?

                    im trying to be selfish not hiding that but not more than most people in such scenarios
                    If you can’t make it work, then break up and don't play house.

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                    • #55
                      Originally posted by nastle View Post

                      Based primarily on which factors ? Please give me worst case scenarios

                      There seems to be a significant probability that you will break up again, but this time with the financial entanglement of the house.

                      You can live together in a rental and still have the same family dynamic for the child.
                      Erstwhile Dance Theatre of Dayton performer cum bellhop. Carried (many) bags for a lovely and gracious 59 yo Cyd Charisse. (RIP) Hosted epic company parties after Friday night rehearsals.

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by Zaphod View Post

                        It definitely can, really depends on your state but most have clear legal marriage laws and even without that judges have discretion and Im sure you will treated as married.

                        Your best thing to do from a marriage standpoint is to simply, "get over it", I wasnt ready to get married either but for me I wasnt about to lose this amazing person for that.

                        You dont seem extremely attached so probably not going through with it is the right thing.
                        Treated as married if owning property together and living together? In states without common law marriage?Are you sure about it

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                        • #57
                          Originally posted by nastle View Post

                          Treated as married if owning property together and living together? In states without common law marriage?Are you sure about it
                          we are non lawyer strangers on the internet and don’t know where you live. ask another lawyer if you need another legal opinion

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                          • #58
                            Originally posted by CM View Post


                            There seems to be a significant probability that you will break up again, but this time with the financial entanglement of the house.

                            You can live together in a rental and still have the same family dynamic for the child.
                            That is what I’ve managed to do so far and ideally will continue

                            So let me clarify our only full breakup was when I did something really “ bad”
                            but again whose to say something worse will not happen in future
                            Last edited by nastle; 10-24-2021, 09:45 AM.

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                            • #59
                              Originally posted by jacoavlu View Post

                              we are non lawyer strangers on the internet and don’t know where you live. ask another lawyer if you need another legal opinion
                              Yes I’ll talk to another attorney but previous one assured me that’s not the case so I was surprised by this

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                              • #60
                                Originally posted by jacoavlu View Post

                                don’t understand. you asked a lawyer if she could like force you to get married or something?
                                So question was what’s the worst she can do to force me into marriage … yes

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